Our Plans for Attempting FET #2

Just wanted to share a quick update about our future plans for growing our family...

We talked to our doctor last week to recap our transfer and talk about what went well, what didn't, and his recommendations for moving forward. He said that there are three things he looks at when a transfer doesn't work.

#1 How did the procedure go? Was it painful? Complicated? Hard to get the embryos where they needed to be?
#2 How were my hormone levels? Was my uterus "cooperating"?
#3 How did the embryos look? Did they thaw well?

He said that based on his notes and all the info we have #1 and #2 couldn't have been better. Everything went smoothly, my hormone levels and uterus were right where they needed to be - basically, there's nothing he or we could have done to make that better.

Regarding #3 though - he said the embryos were good, but they weren't great. It's hard to know how they'll look when they're still frozen, so it's really mostly a guessing game as to how they will thaw prior to the transfer.

He's optimistic that with our 5 remaining embryos we have a good shot - but of course, nothing is guaranteed.

He said that since my body responded well to the protocol, we probably won't change anything as far as dosage and types of meds when we try again. As far as when we'll attempt another transfer, he said that he usually recommends waiting about a month in order to let my body get back to "normal."

However, and this is quite interesting timing... our doctor just found out last week that he's going to have heart surgery this coming Tuesday! Apparently he went to the doctor for an unrelated issue, and found out he's got blockage and his doctor wanted to schedule surgery ASAP. Selfishly, this impacts our personal timeline.

My heart (ooh bad pun, not intended) dropped when he told us the news.  He said that his doctor said to plan on being out of work for a couple months because surgery and recovery are rather intensive. Our doctor did say that the other two Reproductive Endocrinologists in his office are happy to cover him and take care of his patients while he's out... but of course, he'd rather that we wait for him.

Donny and I talked and we agree that we really don't want to switch to anyone else at this point.  We love our doctor, he knows our story, he knows us, and we just feel more comfortable waiting for him.

So that's where we are, more waiting. He's expecting to be back in the office around July - but our summers get so busy, we'll probably have to wait until September before we start the whole process again.

Of course, I'm a little disappointed. I want to be pregnant like, NOW. But at the same time, it felt pretty obvious that God wanted us to wait.

I've had about a week now to process the plan, and I'm feeling good about it.  Since we started applying to adopt embryos last September, we've been kind of stuck in this unknown world of waiting...not sure how far in advance to make plans because we didn't know when things would start, how long they would take, how I would feel, etc. So being able to at least generally plan the next three months-ish has been kind of refreshing. I think I'll sign up to run a half marathon in July or August (my last race was 10 months ago!) and we'll keep saving money, having fun together, serving at church and just living out life as the DINKS (dual income no kids) couple that we've been for almost 5 years now.

I doubt I'll have much to post for the next few months - but thank you so much for reading and praying! We plan on picking up again when we have news to report :)

Thank you!

Can I just say thank you so much everybody for all of the love and care and kindness and just general amazing-ness you have show me and Donny over the last few weeks? We are overwhelmed by you all.  Thank you.  So many people (some of you I haven't even met in person or seen in years!) have been contacting us to say that you're praying and it just means the world to us.  PRAYER WORKS! God is teaching us a lot of lessons through our infertility/adoption journey - and taking prayer seriously is one of those unexpected lessons.  People are praying and we feel good - we know those two things are related.  It's been a hard week since we found out that our transfer didn't work - but it's been a week that's also been filled with joy and love and peace. So yes, basically I just want to say we are so grateful to God and to you for loving us!

So what's next?
We're not quite sure yet.  The day we got "the" phone call our nurse said that our doctor wants us to wait about a month to let my body re-regulate.  I stopped all my meds cold turkey that Wednesday afternoon (that was fun) and am back to just being a regular ol' person.

I'm trying to take advantage of all the things I couldn't do when I hoped I was pregnant (coffee, rides at Disneyland, coffee, sushi, coffee, etc...) and have also resumed teaching classes at the gym.  My first real workout back after about 3 weeks of "taking it easy" was challenging, to say the least, but putting energy and focus into exercising has been good for my heart too.

This week's schedule of activities has been pretty light, which has been really good for Donny and I to just be together. After our relationship with the Lord, our relationship with each other as husband and wife is what's most important. If it ends up that we're not called to be parents, we still have Christ (which is all we need) and we'll still have each other (which is an awesome bonus) and we're still called to love, serve and put each other's needs before our own.  We don't ever want to lose sight of that in the crazy world of trying to get pregnant/parenting and we feel very grateful that the Lord has made that easier for us right now.

My Valentine's gift to Donny was 12 travel around the world themed stay-home date nights - so in April we went to Italy! Complete with pasta, pizza, gelato, water color painting and sculpting statues (with play dough). 

We have a phone appointment with our doctor tomorrow afternoon, so I'm assuming we'll get a better sense of the schedule after that.  We're sad about the loss of our embryos, but we're also anxious to try again.

One of our snowflakes didn't survive thawing, so that means that three of our children have now entered heaven.  A friend from my Embryo Adoption support group on Facebook sent me a very sweet message. She too has experienced failed pregnancies and I've taken a lot of comfort in her words in the last few days. She said that even though our hearts break at this loss, knowing that my body was a vessel to finally free these frozen lives to go meet Jesus, has been incredibly encouraging. Our embryos were frozen for 12 years before coming to us and who knows how much longer it would have been before they would have been adopted by another family.  So at the very least, we can rest in the knowledge that instead of being unaware in a petri dish - they're in heaven praising God.  What a blessing!

Again, thank you so much! We feel the affects of your prayers and feel so so loved!

I'll post again when we know more.

Soli Deo Gloria

(by Donny)

We’re not pregnant.  

Our little embryos were unable to hold on and result in pregnancies.  This is a bummer, this is a trial, this is hard, this is God’s perfect will.  

Can I ask something of you, reader?  Would you keep praying?  We’ve felt so, so blessed in hearing about and feeling your prayers over us, and so we would ask that you keep doing that in this time.  Instead of well-intentioned consolation with biblical references (which we’re totally holding onto right now), and/or asking about, “well, what’s next?”, would you simply weep with us (Rom. 12:15) for now?  That would be the best thing you can do.  That’s what The Church does.

If you believe that life begins at conception, then so far, 3 of our little lives have gone to be with Jesus (also assuming you believe that babies who die go to heaven, which I think there is very good reason to believe, but that’s for another topic).  During the thaw process, one went to be with Jesus, and now, two more went to be with Jesus.  (How cool it will be to see them in heaven!?) And so it’s hard, but we trust an amazing God with a perfect will that can often be hard to swallow.  Job said it well, “Therefore I have declared that which I did not understand, Things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.”

In the midst of this, we still have hope because we have God.  Through Jesus’ death and resurrection, we have hope in Salvation.  That’s all we need.  As a bonus, we also have each other.  We know that this will work together for our good and God’s glory.

“The road of disappointment runs where unseen mercies wait for us.  And all is well because of God’s great love…Through every failure, every fear, the Lord of comfort draws us near.  And all is well because of God’s great love.”

-From “All is Well” by Steve and Vicki Cook

To God alone be the glory (Soli Deo Gloria).

P.S. In time, we’ll post about “what’s next.”  But for now, we’re going to grieve, regroup, and worship God.

The Weight of the Wait

(Ok, I should start this post by saying Gabby and I don’t necessarily feel a ‘weight’ per se, I just can’t resist a good homonymous alliteration)

Raise your hand if you like waiting.  Ok, if you’re a smarty-pants like me, you may have thought of situations where waiting is favorable, and you can leave those in the comments below if you’d like.  But for the sake of this post, my topic sentence is this: (In general) No one likes to wait.  Gabby and I love to go to Disneyland.  We dislike WAITING in traffic to get to the parks and having to WAIT in line for Casey Jr.  Our Siamese cats love Kitty Din-Din, but they dislike having to WAIT ‘til 9:30pm for their song and dinner routine.  There are rooms designated for WAITING, and these are not places where you relax and kick-back or have a party.

WAITING is hard because it takes patience.  Especially as mankind advances, so many things involve WAITING less and less.  We have “Insta-gram,” which has “instant” in the title, because we need to brag to our friends about what we’re doing RIGHT NOW!  We have “On-Demand” online tv viewing devices, because we have the right to DEMAND when we watch our shows.  Car places try to draw you in with how fast they can change your oil. “15-minute Oil Change,”   “10-minute Oil Change,” “2-minute Oil Change.”  (Which, by the way, doesn’t instill confidence in me that they’re doing a thorough job).

Patience is hard because it infers that we’re NOT IN CONTROL of something.  We have to WAIT for some other factor to play its part, and then we’ll get to do the thing we want to do.

Gabby and I are in one of the most impactful, surreal, and crazy ‘WAITS’ of our lives (especially in our marriage).  As many of you know, yesterday (Friday, April 10th) was our embryo transfer day.  We went to our Doctor’s office, went into a room to WAIT, and then a few hours later we were heading home!  There are two embryos inside Gabby!  The Doctor said something to the effect of, “Alright, we’ll see you in X amount of days/weeks and we’ll see if you’re pregnant.”  Umm, Ok.  We’ll just go WAIT at home to find out, then.  So…here we are.

It’s crazy because after this WAITING period, we may either hear miraculous, happy, and God-glorifying news OR we may get discouraging, trying, and God-glorifying news.  We have no idea what God is going to do, but we do know He will be glorified whatever the case.
So how should we WAIT?  In Psalm 27, David talks about not being afraid because he trusts in the Lord.  It’s a fairly familiar Psalm, including the passages “The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?  The LORD is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?”  David goes on in the Psalm to talk about all the ways he trusts in the LORD in the face of enemies, danger, and trials in general.  He ends the Psalm in verse 14, “Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!”  David uses the word “wait” several times around the Psalms, and with it comes the idea of “to expect actively; to look upon with dependence and trust actively, not passively.”  This type of WAITING allows believers to be strong and courageous in the face of trials.  To be clear, these scriptures DO NOT mean, “if you WAIT on the LORD correctly, He’ll answer your prayer the way you want it.”  That’s bad theology.  These scriptures DO promise that whether we get pregnant or not this time, we can find peace, joy, strength, and courage through the grace given to us by God.  We can experience this because of the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ (Happy Easter, by the way). 

SO, I come to the part where I let you know what you can do for us, (if you’d like to do anything)
1) KEEP PRAYING.  Keep praying that the embryos would stick!  We’ve been so encouraged by your “likes” on statuses, your comments, and just your prayers in general.  Keep ‘em coming!  There is power in prayer! (to the God of the Bible)

2) WAIT WITH US.  Many of you may have been in situations similar to us.  Perhaps you have WAITED for some type of important news.  One thing that can be a little bit tough is when many, many people ask you, “Any news yet?  Do you know if you’re pregnant yet?”  If you’ve asked this before, don’t worry, but we’re asking that if you see us in these next few weeks, instead of asking “Do you know if you’re pregnant?” a simple “I’m praying for you!” will be worlds more encouraging.  We will share the news with everyone as soon as we’re ready to share it with you guys.  It’s been really special and important for some of these big steps along the way that Gabby and I have time to process it together first before sharing.  It’s been a kind of weird thing to balance, who knew you could bring hundreds of people along your infertility/embryo adoption/pregnancy quest journey, right?

Welp, I think that brings this post to a close.  Thanks for WAITING to read through it all.

- Donny & Gabby

Our Embryos Have Arrived!

Source

After being frozen in Florida for over 10 years, On Wednesday, March 18 our eight precious embryos arrived at our clinic in Pasadena, CA. It was such a joy and relief to have reached this point in our journey.

We went to our clinic last Thursday for another ultrasound and blood work.  Our doctor said everything looked good and we were ready to start preparing my body for the transfer!

That day I started taking a prenatal vitamin (3x a day!) and a few other vitamin/supplement things they prescribed.  And then on Monday 3/23... the big one...the first shot of estrogen!

Estrogen shots like this need to be administered to a large muscle-y/fatt-y area...which as you can probably guess, is a little hard for me personally to reach. So, the nurse walked Donny and I through the the whole process, showing him what to do. I couldn't help but giggle when they were both kneeling down and studying my backside to show him exactly where to stick the VERY large needle.

Donny hasn't had the most confidence-inducing history with needles and shots, but I could tell he was totally rallying and was ready to do this for me. I was getting a little confused by the "use this one for extracting and this one for sticking" But Donny was totally tracking and I felt confident that he could manage.

But, we also agreed that maybe asking my dad, a hospital nurse for the past 30 years, to administer the first shot so Donny could watch, was a good idea.

So on Monday night, my dad came over with all the confidence of someone who has stuck people with needles literally thousands of times. He looked at all the stuff the pharmacy had sent me and said, "wow that's a big needle!" Thanks dad.

He read all the instructions (which is so typical of him.  Asking my dad for help on homework as a kid was always a last resort because he'd want to read the entire chapter in the text book to fully grasp the subject) and then we got started.

I had felt pretty ok with the idea of the shot until that moment. He started flicking the syringe (I didn't know they actually did that!) and he just kept commenting on how thick the oily liquid was. He was explaining everything to Donny and I'm not even kidding when I say the words "big needle" were used just way too many times.

The big moment finally came, he asked, "ok are you ready" I took some deep "pump up" breaths and said "yes! Let's do this!" and then...it was over.

I laughed, "was that it?" my dad said, yep, you're done.

I hardly felt it at all.  It was literally like a little pin prick.  I asked if he was sure he did it right and again, with all the confidence of someone who has administered thousands of shots he said, "yes, I know I did it right."

Whew! So one more hurdle/fear/anxiety overcome.

I have to do shots every 3 days until the transfer.  So today, Thursday, is shot #2.  I haven't had any noticeable side affects from the first one, so I'm hoping that stays about the same.  I kind of expected to be a sort of raging-hormonal-lunatic during this period - but so far, so good!

Regardless, it's all for the babies!

(I wonder if anyone googles "red head twin babies" more than me?)

Source

Mini Update

Hi there friends,

Not a lot to update, but I know some of you have been asking and I don't want to keep leaving you in the dark :)

We received our adoption contract on January 15 and were asked to mail it back, signed and notarized within two weeks.  We, of course we're super excited and got it done much faster than that.

The genetic family also had a portion to sign and notarize so we were just waiting on them, figuring it would take about two weeks.

Two weeks come and go and we're thinking, OK, not a problem.

Three weeks come and go, we're thinking....hmmm that's weird.  So I emailed our agency.  She said she'd email them that day.

Four weeks come and go... now we're getting worried.  I emailed our agency again and braved the question that had been at the back of my mind... "do you think they're getting cold feet?"

Two more days pass and I don't hear anything.  Now that question is no longer at the back of my mind, it's full blown at the front. I'm starting to process the idea of entering the matching phase again and saying goodbye to the 8 little embryos I had come to love.

Some people we're mad/frustrated/disappointed on behalf of us.  "how could they change their minds??" people would ask. And I really appreciate the care that was shown.

 But I can genuinely say that I understood how the genetic family might be feeling. (Again we didn't know anything for sure, we were just SPECULATING. All we knew for sure was that they hadn't sent their contract in yet - our minds were just going to the worst).

Placing your embryos for an adoption is a REALLY big deal.  When you have walked through infertility for years and finally get healthy embryos - you're thrilled that you finally have the opportunity to have children.  You get pregnant with two healthy children and feel like you're finally at the end of your journey in infertility. You never dreamed of having an "excess" in those dark days of fear and uncertainty.  So maybe, eventually, the idea of placing those extra embryos for adoption sounds like a good idea when you're done building your family - but then actually signing them away for good, forever - that's weighty stuff.  So although I was starting to get disappointed, I can empathize with that potential fear.

But finally, on February 11 we heard back from our agency.  Apparently there was a miscommunication with the genetic family.  They didn't realize that the contract was in the email they'd received in January and had deleted it, waiting for the contract to be sent to them.  They were apologetic and said they'd take care of it ASAP.

Whew! We were so relieved.

And officially, in the afternoon on Friday, February 20th our agency received the genetic family's contract and our 8 little snowflakes are OFFICIALLY in our name.

We are so excited to have completed this step of the process! Our agency is now coordinating with the clinic where our embies are frozen to have them sent to our clinic in Pasadena.  We're also making our FINAL, albeit hefty, payment to the agency!

Once our clinic has received the embryos we can start the meds.  At this point we're looking at a late March transfer. We ask for your continued prayers that the embryos would ship safely, that my body would respond to the meds, that the embryos would thaw safely, and for a successful transfer!

More updates to come as we get more info!

(photo from a super hero dress up night at church.  I realized I've accumulated quite a bit of snowflake apparel and figured it made sense to be "Snowflake Girl")

Why I Don’t Need or Deserve Children

By Donny Hoover

So I finally got around to making my contribution to this blog.  I wanted to write a little bit about my perspective on this journey.  Gabby has covered all the logistics and such, so you won’t find any of that in this entry, but maybe there are other men out there who are walking through this unique situation. 

Gabby and I first dated in 2007, and after we hadn’t been dating long enough, my sister-in-law asked Gabby some type of question along the lines of, “do you want kids?”  (I’m not sure if we were even ‘officially’ dating at the time, and yet Gabby was essentially being asked if she wanted to carry my children).  Gabby answered that question with courageous honesty, telling about her POF (see previous posts for explanation).  I think that may have been the first time I learned that Gabby would be unable to carry biological children. 

We refer to those few months of dating as ‘the first time’.  I eventually broke things off for an array of reasons, mainly because I did not see myself being the right guy for her at the time.  But one of my other reasons (read: justifications) was because I had really looked forward to one day having a son or daughter that looked like me. 

Fast-forward ahead 2 years (what we call ‘the dark ages’), and God had flipped me head over heels for Gabby Acosta.  I was finally ready to be a man and live out a more biblical version of love, mainly the whole self-less part.  I couldn’t tell you when it happened, but when we got to 2009, the whole non-biological children thing was a complete non-issue to me.  I don’t think I could have given you reasons why back then, but since then, I have come around to understanding just a few of the many, many blessings in God having us seek adoption as our way to grow our family.  Here are two.

1.  God adopted us.  (Romans 8:15, 23; Galatians 4:5; Ephesians 1:5) It seems as though adoptive parents have an advantage in understanding what it means that God adopted us.  We don’t have any birthright to be born into God’s family/kingdom.  In fact, every single person is born out of God’s family (in a sinful state).  Yet through love and the sacrifice of His only ‘biological’ Son, He has chosen those who have called upon the name of the Lord to be saved!  He chose believers to join His family and be heirs of grace alongside His Son, Jesus.

2.  Bonus Lessons in Trusting God.  Now, we don’t have anything to compare it to, and I certainly don’t want to diminish anyone else’s journeys in having a biological pregnancy and birth, but I think we’ve been getting extra opportunities to totally trust God.  It’s been pretty amazing to go from, “Ok, Gabby’s never going to be pregnant, I suppose we’ll look into adoption,” to “Ok, traditional adoption is uberly expensive, I don’t think we’ll ever have the money for that,” to “Wait, embryo adoption would work?” to “Wait, we could possibly afford embryo adoption?” to “we hope a couple matches with us and lets us adopt their embryos!” to “God, please let this transfer result in a pregnancy!” to “God, please provide the funds necessary!”

If you are a husband, and you and your wife have an infertility story: 1) Don’t be ashamed.  Way more couples have the same story than you’d think.  2) Look at it as God clearly directing you to some other route for starting a family (that is, if you both want kids.  PS, if you want kids, you want kids.  No saying, “I would want kids, but only biological.”  Imagine if God had said that!)  3) You can figure out a way to make it work financially.  I don’t know anyone who didn’t take out a loan for college and/or grad school, but sometimes finances can scare people away from starting a family?  Hmmm…

Where was I?  Oh yes, a little more about my personal journey with Embryo Adoption.  Well, I was excited about getting things started, but I’m the type of person that never lets my hopes get up if there’s even a chance of things not working out.  So I’ve been trying to be a realist through this whole process (which, in turn, let me to be a bit more of a pessimist interestingly enough).  BUT, one of my breakthroughs came when we first found out about our possible match, and everything was starting to get more real.  Checks were being written (eeesh!), Doctor’s appointments were being scheduled, and things were moving!  So why did I feel a little bit bummed?  These were exciting times, yet in my selfish, sinful nature, I hadn’t really acknowledged this whole time that I wouldn’t be physically contributing to our having children.  Obviously, I was super excited at the possibility of Gabby being pregnant, especially in light of the fact that we had prepared our hearts that she wouldn’t be.  Yet, I guess I needed to ‘mourn the loss’ of my physical contribution of my wife getting pregnant.  I’m sure this looks different with traditional adoption, since neither the adoptive parents are physically responsible for the birth of the child.  But either way, I at least had to acknowledge that to move forward.  Any other Embryo Adoption dads ever walk through that?

Finally, let me address the title of this post.  Yes, yes, it’s just the ol’ method we all see on Facebook and such, the alarming title just to get you to click on the article.  Haha, turns out you had to wait to the very end to see why I don’t need or deserve children.  Here’s the answer:  I don’t need kids because of God.  That is, He is the only being capable of bringing real satisfaction in life.  Psalm 62 says, “For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation.  He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.”  God forbid, but if He were to take away my job, my home, my wife, my friends, everything, He has promised that we only find true and full contentment in Him.  If I had nothing, and I died, I would be in heaven with God because of what Jesus did on the cross.  So, do I want children?  Yes!  We’d love them!  But I don’t ‘need’ them.  I need God.  Secondly, I don’t deserve children because they are not a right.  Psalm 127 talks about how children are a reward, a blessing, a heritage from the Lord!  I’m a sinner, and I don’t deserve any of the blessings God has given me: life, salvation, my wife, family, job, home, etc.  So I definitely don’t deserve children.  But do we want them?  Yes!!

The End

Donny Hoover