By Donny Hoover
So I finally got around
to making my contribution to this blog.
I wanted to write a little bit about my perspective on this
journey. Gabby has covered all the
logistics and such, so you won’t find any of that in this entry, but maybe
there are other men out there who are walking through this unique
situation.
Gabby and I first dated
in 2007, and after we hadn’t been dating long enough, my sister-in-law asked
Gabby some type of question along the lines of, “do you want kids?” (I’m not sure if we were even ‘officially’
dating at the time, and yet Gabby was essentially being asked if she wanted to
carry my children). Gabby answered that
question with courageous honesty, telling about her POF (see previous posts for
explanation). I think that may have been
the first time I learned that Gabby would be unable to carry biological
children.
We refer to those few
months of dating as ‘the first time’. I
eventually broke things off for an array of reasons, mainly because I did not
see myself being the right guy for her at the time. But one of my other reasons (read:
justifications) was because I had really looked forward to one day having a son
or daughter that looked like me.
Fast-forward ahead 2
years (what we call ‘the dark ages’), and God had flipped me head over heels
for Gabby Acosta. I was finally ready to
be a man and live out a more biblical version of love, mainly the whole
self-less part. I couldn’t tell you when
it happened, but when we got to 2009, the whole non-biological children thing
was a complete non-issue to me. I don’t
think I could have given you reasons why back then, but since then, I have come
around to understanding just a few of the many, many blessings in God having us
seek adoption as our way to grow our family.
Here are two.
1. God adopted us. (Romans 8:15, 23; Galatians 4:5; Ephesians
1:5) It seems as though adoptive parents have an advantage in
understanding what it means that God adopted us. We don’t have any birthright to be born into
God’s family/kingdom. In fact, every
single person is born out of God’s
family (in a sinful state). Yet through
love and the sacrifice of His only ‘biological’ Son, He has chosen those who
have called upon the name of the Lord to be saved! He chose believers to join His family and be
heirs of grace alongside His Son, Jesus.
2. Bonus Lessons in Trusting God. Now, we don’t have anything to compare it to,
and I certainly don’t want to diminish anyone else’s journeys in having a biological
pregnancy and birth, but I think we’ve been getting extra opportunities to
totally trust God. It’s been pretty
amazing to go from, “Ok, Gabby’s never going to be pregnant, I suppose we’ll
look into adoption,” to “Ok, traditional adoption is uberly expensive, I don’t
think we’ll ever have the money for that,” to “Wait, embryo adoption would
work?” to “Wait, we could possibly afford embryo adoption?” to “we hope a
couple matches with us and lets us adopt their embryos!” to “God, please let
this transfer result in a pregnancy!” to “God, please provide the funds
necessary!”
If you are a husband,
and you and your wife have an infertility story: 1) Don’t be ashamed. Way more couples have the same story than
you’d think. 2) Look at it as God
clearly directing you to some other route for starting a family (that is, if
you both want kids. PS, if you want
kids, you want kids. No saying, “I would
want kids, but only biological.” Imagine
if God had said that!) 3) You can figure
out a way to make it work financially. I
don’t know anyone who didn’t take out a loan for college and/or grad school,
but sometimes finances can scare people away from starting a family? Hmmm…
Where was I? Oh yes, a little more about my personal
journey with Embryo Adoption. Well, I
was excited about getting things started, but I’m the type of person that never
lets my hopes get up if there’s even a chance of things not working out. So I’ve been trying to be a realist through
this whole process (which, in turn, let me to be a bit more of a pessimist
interestingly enough). BUT, one of my
breakthroughs came when we first found out about our possible match, and
everything was starting to get more real.
Checks were being written (eeesh!), Doctor’s appointments were being
scheduled, and things were moving! So
why did I feel a little bit bummed?
These were exciting times, yet in my selfish, sinful nature, I hadn’t
really acknowledged this whole time that I wouldn’t be physically contributing
to our having children. Obviously, I was
super excited at the possibility of Gabby being pregnant, especially in light
of the fact that we had prepared our hearts that she wouldn’t be. Yet, I guess I needed to ‘mourn the loss’ of
my physical contribution of my wife getting pregnant. I’m sure this looks different with
traditional adoption, since neither the adoptive parents are physically
responsible for the birth of the child.
But either way, I at least had to acknowledge that to move forward. Any other Embryo Adoption dads ever walk
through that?
Finally, let me address
the title of this post. Yes, yes, it’s
just the ol’ method we all see on Facebook and such, the alarming title just to
get you to click on the article. Haha,
turns out you had to wait to the very end to see why I don’t need or deserve
children. Here’s the answer: I don’t need kids because of God. That is, He is the only being capable of
bringing real satisfaction in life.
Psalm 62 says, “For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes
my salvation. He alone is my rock and my
salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.” God forbid, but if He were to take away my
job, my home, my wife, my friends, everything, He has promised that we only
find true and full contentment in Him.
If I had nothing, and I died, I would be in heaven with God because of
what Jesus did on the cross. So, do I
want children? Yes! We’d love them! But I don’t ‘need’ them. I need God. Secondly, I don’t deserve children because
they are not a right. Psalm 127 talks
about how children are a reward, a blessing, a heritage from the Lord! I’m a sinner, and I don’t deserve any of the
blessings God has given me: life, salvation, my wife, family, job, home,
etc. So I definitely don’t deserve
children. But do we want them? Yes!!
The End
Donny Hoover
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