Dear Deacon's Placing Family

(I wrote this letter to Deacon's placing family when he was about 6 weeks old. We haven't posted here since before he was born, so I thought it might be a nice update)

February 1, 2018

Dear Deacon’s Placing Family,
As I write you this note, Deacon is finally asleep against my chest in the Ergo carrier. Lately, he’ll only nap if he is being held and cries (hard) if we try to set him down. And while there are definitely some tiring moments along the way in raising a newborn, it’s so easy to remind ourselves of the tremendous gift that he is! There were moments, hard moments during those uncertain years, when it felt like we’d never have the joy of loving and raising a child of our own. Saying “thank you” for choosing us feels insufficient compared to the enormous gift that it is. But words are all we have, so please know that we are forever grateful that you entrusted us with raising and parenting this little soul. THANK YOU.

Deacon was born on December 22 at 38.5 weeks via a scheduled c-section. I was showing the signs of preeclampsia and Deacon was measuring at over 9 pounds so my doctor felt that was the safest route for both of us. The procedure went very smoothly and he ended up being 9 pounds, 12 ounces and was 21 ¼ inches long! (I can’t imagine how big he’d have been if we went to full term!) He did great on all of the initial tests, and measured perfectly on all subsequent tests (hearing, vision, jaundice, etc...the nurses and his pediatrician said they had never seen such a good score on the jaundice test haha).  At both his 2 week, and 1 month doctor visit his pediatrician just kept commenting on how healthy and strong he is, and said that he’s doing perfectly!

 He’s a GREAT eater and is steadily gaining weight. He’s already grown over an inch in his first 5 weeks! As I mentioned at the beginning...we’re still working on getting him to be a more “independent” sleeper...but he just loves being held, and his doctor said that he can’t be spoiled or held “too much” so we’re listening to her and are just enjoying all of the snuggles. Since day one he’s been really good at holding his head up and is very alert...already following a rattle with his eyes and definitely responding to mommy and daddy’s voices.

 I’ve included a few photos...he has a little bit of light brown hair that looks blonde-ish in some lights, and even reddish occasionally. His eyes are still that newborn gray/blue, so we still can’t tell what his eye color will officially be. He was born with tons of rolls, but he’s stretching out a bit now and doesn’t look quite as chubby. I’m probably biased, but I’m pretty sure he’s the cutest little boy I’ve ever seen. :)  He’ll be 6-weeks tomorrow and we’re anxiously anticipating his first real smile!

Deacon has brought a joy and light to our family that we didn’t even know was possible. We love him with all of our hearts and are so thankful to you for allowing us to experience the joy of this little boy.  Over the years we adopted a total of 10 embryos and went through 3 transfers. Each time we found out that an embryo hadn’t survived, our hearts broke. But we rested in knowing that God was preparing a child for us, somehow, some way. We couldn’t know then, but each time we grieved and wondered why things weren’t working out the way we wanted, God knew that our little boy was waiting for us. Even though we are still sad over those losses, we wouldn’t have Deacon here today without them. We thank God for His perfect plan and perfect timing in bringing Deacon to our family, and we thank you for making the hard and important decision to allow us this gift.

Thank you! We are forever grateful!

-Donny and Gabby

All Glory be to Christ Our King: Part 2

God is good!  We ARE pregnant!

God has a perfect plan for us.  This is not the time-frame that we had planned for us.

Two years ago to the day was the last time we posted on this blog.  It was our attempt to remind ourselves of truth in the midst of a very tough time in our lives.  It was all part of God’s perfect, albeit painful, plan.

After we had let the dust settle from losing those last adopted embryos, we tried to figure out what to do next.  We looked into the cost of domestic or even international adoption, and we weren’t sure.  We looked at the foster-to-adopt system, but we still weren’t sure.  We knew we felt called to parent, and we had all-but-decided that we would not adopt more embryos.  And yet, as we considered all the different factors that play into a major decision like this, we kept thinking, “what if we tried one more transfer?”  We hated to make a call based on numbers & statistics, but that’s what the Lord used to push us to try one more time.  Through the whole process, we had heard on numerous occasions that “1 in 3” embryo transfers are successful.  If we really did call it quits after the 2 tries, we didn’t want to have the feeling of, “what if we had tried just one more time,” in the back of our minds.

One of the reasons we didn’t want to do another transfer is the physical & emotional toll it took on Gabby’s body.  To prep with daily shots, medications, vitamins, & tough doctor visits for months to prep her body for the transfer was exhausting for her.  She had already gone through it twice, and was so tired of it all, with nothing to show for it.  I feared having her go through all of that again just to get another call at the end saying, “sorry, you’re not pregnant,” one more time.

But, after praying and deciding we could handle one more time, we got back into the process.  We contacted our adoption agency, Nightlight Christian Adoptions (whom we’ve loved working with), and asked to be put back into the matching process.

We didn’t have to wait too long this time, and when we heard back from them, we were presented with a unique situation.  They said they had two embryos for us (which is a little nerve-wracking, considering we had zero successful pregnancies from the 8 embryos we adopted from our prior match).  Again, thinking of statistics, you’re not guaranteed that embryos will even survive when they are thawed out before a transfer.  We lost 3 out of the 8 during the thaw, so I was nervous about adopting just these two.  The especially unique part was that they were coming from two different families.  Two different families from two different parts of the country each had one embryo they were placing for adoption, hoping to give them a chance at life on this earth.  Once we sorted through everything, I actually got very excited, “WE COULD HAVE TWINS THAT HAVE TOTALLY DIFFERENT DNA FROM US AND EACH OTHER!”

So we agreed and got all the proper paperwork in place (say that 10x fast) and began the process to get Gabby ready AGAIN.  We ordered all her medications AGAIN, gave her shots AGAIN (I was a pro by the end), and went through all the Doctor visits AGAIN.  Then on April 19^th, 2017, we went in for what we knew this time would be our last attempt at a F(A)ET (Frozen ‘Adopted’ Embryo Transfer).

It’s hard to describe how we felt going into this transfer.  We were both confident as far as knowing this was what we needed to do.  At the very least, we thought, these little embies will be ushered into heaven now rather than waiting indefinitely to get a chance at life, if at all.  (Neither family that we adopted from were planning on discarding the embryos, but sometimes embryos can just sit in freezers for years and years without ever even getting a chance at a real life.)  At the same time, we also couldn’t help but think of the results of our last two transfers.  It kind of felt like, “we are resolved to do this…but it probably won’t work.”  Lord knows.

The first piece that got my hopes up a little bit was when they informed us that both embryos had survived the thaw.  If we’re talking about my begrudged statistics, 100% (2 out of 2) of our embryos had survived the thaw this time, as opposed to only 63% surviving in the last batch (5 out of 8).  I kept thinking internally, “Lord, why would you get them both to this point if you weren’t going to do something big here?” 

The next piece that got my hopes up was the peace we had in our hearts anticipating any scenario.  If both of them hold on and result in being pregnant with twins, then glory to God!  If one of them holds on and we’re pregnant with one, then glory to God!  If neither of them are able to hold on, and both go to heaven, then glory to God!  We had no idea how to be except just to rest in our Father’s care.

Following the transfer, we played the waiting game, which had become somewhat familiar to us.  Generally, the instructions following a transfer are: go home, take it easy, and wait to come back in two weeks to get a blood test to see if it was successful or not.  Well, “taking it easy” is easier said than done.  Oh, and did I mention my eager beaver wife had bought a value pack of pregnancy tests to take starting on day 6 after the transfer? She had decided after our past transfers that it’s easier to have an ‘idea’ one way or another of what the result will be heading into the blood test, so that a ‘negative’ doesn’t hit you like a ton of bricks (only a ½ ton).

A few things I did not know about embryo transfers and pregnancy tests: it’s recommended to wait about 12 days to take the blood test, because the embryos are sooooo teeny tiny that it’s rare that you’d pick up anything earlier.  And especially with home pregnancy tests, you might see ‘negatives’ because it can’t read things early on.  Gabby repeatedly mentioned, “You can only get false negatives, you can’t get false positives,” which means if it reads negative early on, there’s still plenty of hope.  If it reads ‘positive’ early on, you are straight up pregnant.

I think the first home test she took (something like day 4) was negative, as we expected.  She admitted that was pretty early, and decided to wait ‘til day 6 to check again.  So she set the stick in the cup o’ urine, and then you’re supposed to wait two minutes or so.  If a second line appears you’re pregnant.  She left the bathroom and went into our bedroom to pray and ask God that she wouldn’t be anxious about the whole situation.  Before the two minutes were up, I went into the bathroom just to see if I could see anything.  I SAW A SECOND LINE.  I let out some type of loud, audible noise.  “What is it?!” Gabby asked.  She rushed back in and I showed her that faint, thin, glorious, pee-influenced line.  We couldn’t believe it!  Gabby was pregnant.

After nearly two and a half years from when we first decided to go the route of embryo adoption, God saw fit to have Gabby get pregnant.  Do you ever have trouble understanding if God is answering your prayers by saying “no” or “wait”?  Sometimes it’s hard to figure out which one it is.  Up until that point, I thought God was saying “no” to the prayer for Gabby to get pregnant.  Turns out he was saying “wait” for those 2+ years.  I suppose that’s why I was so surprised that it was finally happening.  I think I had somewhat come to grips with Gabby not getting pregnant, and had tried to focus my contentment, reliance, and joy on Christ as opposed to her pregnancy.  Whatever God was doing, he sure pulled us especially and uniquely close to Him and each other in this journey, and we pray it stays that way!

The next question was this: are there two babies in there or just one?  We’d need to wait a little longer to get the answer to this question, and when we finally did find out that there was just one little one in there, it was bittersweet.  Obviously we were ecstatic that we were pregnant at all, and at the same time, we mourned the life of one of our embryos.  That little one joined her 8 adopted brothers and sisters in heaven and we wanted to grieve, but also be thankful.  My own imagination created the scenario from that scene in Inside Out [spoiler] when Bing Bong jumps out of the wagon rocket so that Joy can get back to Riley.  One of our little embryos knew that only one of them would make it, so they sacrificed themselves to give the other one a fighting chance.  A stretch, I know.  I can’t help but think in Pixar sometime.

Through God’s gracious provision, Gabby’s pregnancy has progressed very nicely.  In July we found out we were having a baby boy, which we revealed by kicking open a plastic football (much to my nephew’s dismay) filled with blue chalk/smoke.  (I had read the results of the gender test prior, but Gabby was surprised!)

Shortly after that, we settled on a name: Deacon Arrow Hoover.  The name Deacon, besides some obvious church connotations (we’re both heavily involved in our church community), can also mean ‘dusty one’ or ‘servant,’ which we hope to train him up to be.  Arrow comes from Psalm 127:4 which says, “Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth.” As a little bonus, he will have the same initials as me! (Donald Allen Hoover, Deacon Arrow Hoover)

So here we are, about a month out from Deacon’s due date (Jan. 3^rd, 2018), and on my Facebook “On This Day” memories feature, a memory from Dec. 1^st, 2015 popped up.  This was the day we had shared that we weren’t pregnant two years ago, and so I felt compelled to give a write up and much-needed update about where we are.  We still want your prayers!  This time for a continued healthy pregnancy and that there would be no complications when Deacon is born soon!  To God all praise and glory!

1 year blog-iversary

It's hard to believe that it's already been a full year since starting this blog and embarking on our journey through embryo adoption!

In many ways this year has gone really quickly, but then when I think about all of the things we've experienced (applications, background checks, interviews, matching process, hormone treatments, embryo transfer, 2-week wait, sad news, more waiting, more hormone treatments) it's kind of crazy that it's only been a year.

I would characterize this year, overall, as really good.  Donny and I have both grown closer together and closer to the Lord through this process.  We've had to make a lot of tough decisions, we've had to write some really big checks, and we've been forced to really think hard about our future - all of which has really helped us mature and just grow as people.

We've had a lot of fun this year too! Of course we would have loved to have a baby a long time ago - but this extended time of just Donny and Gabby has been just downright fun!  Since last November I've lost track of the times we've been to Disneyland, we've been to Ducks games, concerts, stayed out late, slept in and we even went to Disney World! We're definitely happy to lose that flexibility and freedom when it means we've added another little human...but I'm so glad God gave those memories in the meantime.

This year also had the obvious low points.  Did I ever tell the story about Donny passing out cold when the doctor's office messed up his blood draw by not finding his vein and then spilling blood in front of him?  It was terrifying (for me) and was definitely a low point (that at least we can laugh at now).  Losing one of our precious embryos in the thaw was something we knew was very possible, but was still hard to hear. Waking up one morning during the two-week wait and finding out that I was bleeding was scary and sad. And of course, the hardest day of the year, April 22 - the phone call telling us we weren't pregnant.

Ultimately, although a lot of this year looked very different than I might have imagined or would have planned it (had I been in control) - it's exactly how God wanted our year to look, and for that reason, I wouldn't change anything.

We're prepping my body for another transfer and are praying that year two of this blog will be full of pregnancy updates! But if that's not the case, if we hit November 6, 2016 and we still don't have a child, I know I can still say that it had been a good year because our God is good and our God is in control and our God promises contentment when we find our peace in Him.

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. (Isaiah 26:3 ESV)

The Weight of the Wait

(Ok, I should start this post by saying Gabby and I don’t necessarily feel a ‘weight’ per se, I just can’t resist a good homonymous alliteration)

Raise your hand if you like waiting.  Ok, if you’re a smarty-pants like me, you may have thought of situations where waiting is favorable, and you can leave those in the comments below if you’d like.  But for the sake of this post, my topic sentence is this: (In general) No one likes to wait.  Gabby and I love to go to Disneyland.  We dislike WAITING in traffic to get to the parks and having to WAIT in line for Casey Jr.  Our Siamese cats love Kitty Din-Din, but they dislike having to WAIT ‘til 9:30pm for their song and dinner routine.  There are rooms designated for WAITING, and these are not places where you relax and kick-back or have a party.

WAITING is hard because it takes patience.  Especially as mankind advances, so many things involve WAITING less and less.  We have “Insta-gram,” which has “instant” in the title, because we need to brag to our friends about what we’re doing RIGHT NOW!  We have “On-Demand” online tv viewing devices, because we have the right to DEMAND when we watch our shows.  Car places try to draw you in with how fast they can change your oil. “15-minute Oil Change,”   “10-minute Oil Change,” “2-minute Oil Change.”  (Which, by the way, doesn’t instill confidence in me that they’re doing a thorough job).

Patience is hard because it infers that we’re NOT IN CONTROL of something.  We have to WAIT for some other factor to play its part, and then we’ll get to do the thing we want to do.

Gabby and I are in one of the most impactful, surreal, and crazy ‘WAITS’ of our lives (especially in our marriage).  As many of you know, yesterday (Friday, April 10th) was our embryo transfer day.  We went to our Doctor’s office, went into a room to WAIT, and then a few hours later we were heading home!  There are two embryos inside Gabby!  The Doctor said something to the effect of, “Alright, we’ll see you in X amount of days/weeks and we’ll see if you’re pregnant.”  Umm, Ok.  We’ll just go WAIT at home to find out, then.  So…here we are.

It’s crazy because after this WAITING period, we may either hear miraculous, happy, and God-glorifying news OR we may get discouraging, trying, and God-glorifying news.  We have no idea what God is going to do, but we do know He will be glorified whatever the case.
So how should we WAIT?  In Psalm 27, David talks about not being afraid because he trusts in the Lord.  It’s a fairly familiar Psalm, including the passages “The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?  The LORD is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?”  David goes on in the Psalm to talk about all the ways he trusts in the LORD in the face of enemies, danger, and trials in general.  He ends the Psalm in verse 14, “Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!”  David uses the word “wait” several times around the Psalms, and with it comes the idea of “to expect actively; to look upon with dependence and trust actively, not passively.”  This type of WAITING allows believers to be strong and courageous in the face of trials.  To be clear, these scriptures DO NOT mean, “if you WAIT on the LORD correctly, He’ll answer your prayer the way you want it.”  That’s bad theology.  These scriptures DO promise that whether we get pregnant or not this time, we can find peace, joy, strength, and courage through the grace given to us by God.  We can experience this because of the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ (Happy Easter, by the way). 

SO, I come to the part where I let you know what you can do for us, (if you’d like to do anything)
1) KEEP PRAYING.  Keep praying that the embryos would stick!  We’ve been so encouraged by your “likes” on statuses, your comments, and just your prayers in general.  Keep ‘em coming!  There is power in prayer! (to the God of the Bible)

2) WAIT WITH US.  Many of you may have been in situations similar to us.  Perhaps you have WAITED for some type of important news.  One thing that can be a little bit tough is when many, many people ask you, “Any news yet?  Do you know if you’re pregnant yet?”  If you’ve asked this before, don’t worry, but we’re asking that if you see us in these next few weeks, instead of asking “Do you know if you’re pregnant?” a simple “I’m praying for you!” will be worlds more encouraging.  We will share the news with everyone as soon as we’re ready to share it with you guys.  It’s been really special and important for some of these big steps along the way that Gabby and I have time to process it together first before sharing.  It’s been a kind of weird thing to balance, who knew you could bring hundreds of people along your infertility/embryo adoption/pregnancy quest journey, right?

Welp, I think that brings this post to a close.  Thanks for WAITING to read through it all.

- Donny & Gabby

Our Embryos Have Arrived!

Source

After being frozen in Florida for over 10 years, On Wednesday, March 18 our eight precious embryos arrived at our clinic in Pasadena, CA. It was such a joy and relief to have reached this point in our journey.

We went to our clinic last Thursday for another ultrasound and blood work.  Our doctor said everything looked good and we were ready to start preparing my body for the transfer!

That day I started taking a prenatal vitamin (3x a day!) and a few other vitamin/supplement things they prescribed.  And then on Monday 3/23... the big one...the first shot of estrogen!

Estrogen shots like this need to be administered to a large muscle-y/fatt-y area...which as you can probably guess, is a little hard for me personally to reach. So, the nurse walked Donny and I through the the whole process, showing him what to do. I couldn't help but giggle when they were both kneeling down and studying my backside to show him exactly where to stick the VERY large needle.

Donny hasn't had the most confidence-inducing history with needles and shots, but I could tell he was totally rallying and was ready to do this for me. I was getting a little confused by the "use this one for extracting and this one for sticking" But Donny was totally tracking and I felt confident that he could manage.

But, we also agreed that maybe asking my dad, a hospital nurse for the past 30 years, to administer the first shot so Donny could watch, was a good idea.

So on Monday night, my dad came over with all the confidence of someone who has stuck people with needles literally thousands of times. He looked at all the stuff the pharmacy had sent me and said, "wow that's a big needle!" Thanks dad.

He read all the instructions (which is so typical of him.  Asking my dad for help on homework as a kid was always a last resort because he'd want to read the entire chapter in the text book to fully grasp the subject) and then we got started.

I had felt pretty ok with the idea of the shot until that moment. He started flicking the syringe (I didn't know they actually did that!) and he just kept commenting on how thick the oily liquid was. He was explaining everything to Donny and I'm not even kidding when I say the words "big needle" were used just way too many times.

The big moment finally came, he asked, "ok are you ready" I took some deep "pump up" breaths and said "yes! Let's do this!" and then...it was over.

I laughed, "was that it?" my dad said, yep, you're done.

I hardly felt it at all.  It was literally like a little pin prick.  I asked if he was sure he did it right and again, with all the confidence of someone who has administered thousands of shots he said, "yes, I know I did it right."

Whew! So one more hurdle/fear/anxiety overcome.

I have to do shots every 3 days until the transfer.  So today, Thursday, is shot #2.  I haven't had any noticeable side affects from the first one, so I'm hoping that stays about the same.  I kind of expected to be a sort of raging-hormonal-lunatic during this period - but so far, so good!

Regardless, it's all for the babies!

(I wonder if anyone googles "red head twin babies" more than me?)

Source

Mini Update

Hi there friends,

Not a lot to update, but I know some of you have been asking and I don't want to keep leaving you in the dark :)

We received our adoption contract on January 15 and were asked to mail it back, signed and notarized within two weeks.  We, of course we're super excited and got it done much faster than that.

The genetic family also had a portion to sign and notarize so we were just waiting on them, figuring it would take about two weeks.

Two weeks come and go and we're thinking, OK, not a problem.

Three weeks come and go, we're thinking....hmmm that's weird.  So I emailed our agency.  She said she'd email them that day.

Four weeks come and go... now we're getting worried.  I emailed our agency again and braved the question that had been at the back of my mind... "do you think they're getting cold feet?"

Two more days pass and I don't hear anything.  Now that question is no longer at the back of my mind, it's full blown at the front. I'm starting to process the idea of entering the matching phase again and saying goodbye to the 8 little embryos I had come to love.

Some people we're mad/frustrated/disappointed on behalf of us.  "how could they change their minds??" people would ask. And I really appreciate the care that was shown.

 But I can genuinely say that I understood how the genetic family might be feeling. (Again we didn't know anything for sure, we were just SPECULATING. All we knew for sure was that they hadn't sent their contract in yet - our minds were just going to the worst).

Placing your embryos for an adoption is a REALLY big deal.  When you have walked through infertility for years and finally get healthy embryos - you're thrilled that you finally have the opportunity to have children.  You get pregnant with two healthy children and feel like you're finally at the end of your journey in infertility. You never dreamed of having an "excess" in those dark days of fear and uncertainty.  So maybe, eventually, the idea of placing those extra embryos for adoption sounds like a good idea when you're done building your family - but then actually signing them away for good, forever - that's weighty stuff.  So although I was starting to get disappointed, I can empathize with that potential fear.

But finally, on February 11 we heard back from our agency.  Apparently there was a miscommunication with the genetic family.  They didn't realize that the contract was in the email they'd received in January and had deleted it, waiting for the contract to be sent to them.  They were apologetic and said they'd take care of it ASAP.

Whew! We were so relieved.

And officially, in the afternoon on Friday, February 20th our agency received the genetic family's contract and our 8 little snowflakes are OFFICIALLY in our name.

We are so excited to have completed this step of the process! Our agency is now coordinating with the clinic where our embies are frozen to have them sent to our clinic in Pasadena.  We're also making our FINAL, albeit hefty, payment to the agency!

Once our clinic has received the embryos we can start the meds.  At this point we're looking at a late March transfer. We ask for your continued prayers that the embryos would ship safely, that my body would respond to the meds, that the embryos would thaw safely, and for a successful transfer!

More updates to come as we get more info!

(photo from a super hero dress up night at church.  I realized I've accumulated quite a bit of snowflake apparel and figured it made sense to be "Snowflake Girl")

Why I Don’t Need or Deserve Children

By Donny Hoover

So I finally got around to making my contribution to this blog.  I wanted to write a little bit about my perspective on this journey.  Gabby has covered all the logistics and such, so you won’t find any of that in this entry, but maybe there are other men out there who are walking through this unique situation. 

Gabby and I first dated in 2007, and after we hadn’t been dating long enough, my sister-in-law asked Gabby some type of question along the lines of, “do you want kids?”  (I’m not sure if we were even ‘officially’ dating at the time, and yet Gabby was essentially being asked if she wanted to carry my children).  Gabby answered that question with courageous honesty, telling about her POF (see previous posts for explanation).  I think that may have been the first time I learned that Gabby would be unable to carry biological children. 

We refer to those few months of dating as ‘the first time’.  I eventually broke things off for an array of reasons, mainly because I did not see myself being the right guy for her at the time.  But one of my other reasons (read: justifications) was because I had really looked forward to one day having a son or daughter that looked like me. 

Fast-forward ahead 2 years (what we call ‘the dark ages’), and God had flipped me head over heels for Gabby Acosta.  I was finally ready to be a man and live out a more biblical version of love, mainly the whole self-less part.  I couldn’t tell you when it happened, but when we got to 2009, the whole non-biological children thing was a complete non-issue to me.  I don’t think I could have given you reasons why back then, but since then, I have come around to understanding just a few of the many, many blessings in God having us seek adoption as our way to grow our family.  Here are two.

1.  God adopted us.  (Romans 8:15, 23; Galatians 4:5; Ephesians 1:5) It seems as though adoptive parents have an advantage in understanding what it means that God adopted us.  We don’t have any birthright to be born into God’s family/kingdom.  In fact, every single person is born out of God’s family (in a sinful state).  Yet through love and the sacrifice of His only ‘biological’ Son, He has chosen those who have called upon the name of the Lord to be saved!  He chose believers to join His family and be heirs of grace alongside His Son, Jesus.

2.  Bonus Lessons in Trusting God.  Now, we don’t have anything to compare it to, and I certainly don’t want to diminish anyone else’s journeys in having a biological pregnancy and birth, but I think we’ve been getting extra opportunities to totally trust God.  It’s been pretty amazing to go from, “Ok, Gabby’s never going to be pregnant, I suppose we’ll look into adoption,” to “Ok, traditional adoption is uberly expensive, I don’t think we’ll ever have the money for that,” to “Wait, embryo adoption would work?” to “Wait, we could possibly afford embryo adoption?” to “we hope a couple matches with us and lets us adopt their embryos!” to “God, please let this transfer result in a pregnancy!” to “God, please provide the funds necessary!”

If you are a husband, and you and your wife have an infertility story: 1) Don’t be ashamed.  Way more couples have the same story than you’d think.  2) Look at it as God clearly directing you to some other route for starting a family (that is, if you both want kids.  PS, if you want kids, you want kids.  No saying, “I would want kids, but only biological.”  Imagine if God had said that!)  3) You can figure out a way to make it work financially.  I don’t know anyone who didn’t take out a loan for college and/or grad school, but sometimes finances can scare people away from starting a family?  Hmmm…

Where was I?  Oh yes, a little more about my personal journey with Embryo Adoption.  Well, I was excited about getting things started, but I’m the type of person that never lets my hopes get up if there’s even a chance of things not working out.  So I’ve been trying to be a realist through this whole process (which, in turn, let me to be a bit more of a pessimist interestingly enough).  BUT, one of my breakthroughs came when we first found out about our possible match, and everything was starting to get more real.  Checks were being written (eeesh!), Doctor’s appointments were being scheduled, and things were moving!  So why did I feel a little bit bummed?  These were exciting times, yet in my selfish, sinful nature, I hadn’t really acknowledged this whole time that I wouldn’t be physically contributing to our having children.  Obviously, I was super excited at the possibility of Gabby being pregnant, especially in light of the fact that we had prepared our hearts that she wouldn’t be.  Yet, I guess I needed to ‘mourn the loss’ of my physical contribution of my wife getting pregnant.  I’m sure this looks different with traditional adoption, since neither the adoptive parents are physically responsible for the birth of the child.  But either way, I at least had to acknowledge that to move forward.  Any other Embryo Adoption dads ever walk through that?

Finally, let me address the title of this post.  Yes, yes, it’s just the ol’ method we all see on Facebook and such, the alarming title just to get you to click on the article.  Haha, turns out you had to wait to the very end to see why I don’t need or deserve children.  Here’s the answer:  I don’t need kids because of God.  That is, He is the only being capable of bringing real satisfaction in life.  Psalm 62 says, “For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation.  He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.”  God forbid, but if He were to take away my job, my home, my wife, my friends, everything, He has promised that we only find true and full contentment in Him.  If I had nothing, and I died, I would be in heaven with God because of what Jesus did on the cross.  So, do I want children?  Yes!  We’d love them!  But I don’t ‘need’ them.  I need God.  Secondly, I don’t deserve children because they are not a right.  Psalm 127 talks about how children are a reward, a blessing, a heritage from the Lord!  I’m a sinner, and I don’t deserve any of the blessings God has given me: life, salvation, my wife, family, job, home, etc.  So I definitely don’t deserve children.  But do we want them?  Yes!!

The End

Donny Hoover

It's a Match!

I know it's been awhile since we've updated, but we haven't had any news.... until now!

We are very excited (like very excited) to announce that we are officially adopting 8 embryos!

I'll back up a little bit to update you on our timeline...

On December 16 we received an email from Nightlight with the subject "Potential Match-Hoover". Earlier that week, they'd sent our profile to a family in Florida to consider us. The family had liked us and wanted to place their embryos for adoption with us! I was at my desk at work and literally RAN downstairs to Donny's office. We opened and read the email together and downloaded the PDF file of the family's profile.

We learned that in 2001, the genetic parents were struggling to conceive and started IVF.  They ended up with 15 viable embryos, used 7 of them and had twins in 2002. They knew they were done building their family, but kept the 8 remaining embryos frozen.

It was a very emotional and surreal experience to read about this family and look at pictures of the parents and their children.  As I've mentioned before, I've never had any idea what my children might look like, so seeing these people was incredibly emotional.  I was standing at Donny's desk just sobbing as we pored through the photos.

The parents are both a combination of Italian and Irish and have olive skin and dark hair. Interestingly enough though, their twins are fair skinned, blue eyed, red heads! I think it would be so fun to have a red head! But we're just excited regardless!

[Source: Everything Ginger Tumblr (haha yes, this actually exists!)]

It was really important to us that our doctor approve of the quality of any embryos we were considering, so we sent them the information that day. We continued to re-read, and re-read and re-read the family's profile and health history.  We both had a really good feeling about them right away and we spent those next few days praying hard that we would have wisdom in this decision. We wanted to be excited, but we were still trying to guard our hearts in case our doctor wasn't comfortable with the embryos.

Meanwhile we waited, and waited to hear back from our doctor. As the days passed we felt more and more comfortable with the family and decided that if the doctor said yes, we were in.

Christmas came and went, with still no word from our doctor.  That was a little hard for me.  I had this grand ideal that having a match by Christmas would be so magical.  But God was (and still is) teaching me patience and to wait on His perfect timing.

Then New Year's came and went, and it was now 2015 and we still didn't have confirmed word from our doctor...

But finally, on January 7 we received the much anticipated email that my doctor and their embryologist approved the embryos and cleared us to move forward!

*cue many more tears*

Then things sped up considerably...

On Monday, January 12 we officially accepted the match with Nightlight. They drew up the contract and we signed and notarized our portion and mailed everything last Friday the 16th.

Nightlight is now getting all the paperwork and documents finalized to have the embryos shipped from Florida to Pasadena.

Everything would probably be ready to go for an end of February transfer - but that would put me in the "two week wait" while we're in Seattle for my brother's wedding the first weekend in March.  I asked our nurse what she thought about that and she basically said, "there's no evidence that flying causes miscarriages or lowers the rate of pregnancy, however, how will you feel if you flew and then didn't get pregnant?"

Donny and I are totally on the same page that gaining a couple weeks is not worth the potential risk, so we're planning on a mid-March transfer date, assuming my body responds to the meds and does what they expect it to.

We've seen God's guiding hand through every step of this process and we're so excited to see God's plan as we continue to move forward.  Even though I sometimes get impatient, it's pretty incredible that Donny and I only started this whole process in September - a mere 4 1/2 months ago! God has provided the finances, the support, the awesome staff at Nightlight, an awesome social worker, a great doctor's office and so many other little blessings that we so at peace with our whole situation.

We still have a ton of uncertainty about the future, but knowing that the perfect God of the universe has a good plan for it all is just so incredibly overwhelming (in the best way possible!)

We covet your continued prayers!

Pray with us...
1. That the embryos would ship safely to California

2. That my body would respond well to the meds (starting at the end of February)

3. That the embryos we thaw would survive the thawing

4. That however many (1, 2 or 3) embryos we transfer will implant and become healthy pregnancies!

5. Pretty much all the money is now due for the adoption and the transfer and although we've saved and planned...it's still pretty scary writing such big checks! Pray we'd be wise with our finances, smart about spending while things are extra tight and that no unexpected additional expenses would come up.

More updates as they come!

Waiting on a Match

Our matching process has OFFICIALLY started! Our social worker was able to submit our home study report a few days earlier than she anticipated so they said they'll be able to send out our family profile today! There's a chance that we'll have our embryos by Christmas!

When we got off the phone with the office, I said to Donny, "it's crazy this is so real!" He didn't fully hear me and asked, "So real? or Surreal?" And I said, "yes!" It's surreal how real this all is. Which I know is kind of an oxy moron...

I've known that adoption would be in my future ever since I was 17. Since that day at the doctor's office, I never knew what my children would look like. I mean, you never actually know what you're children will look like...but at least you know what pieces you're working with. I've had nothing.  So the idea of seeing pictures of people who have given the DNA to make my children is like, SO MUCH MORE than I've ever had before.  It's possible that in the next few weeks... I'll get to see pictures of my children's siblings.  Crazy, right? Or surreal you might say.  But it is HAPPENING and is SO REAL!

Can you tell I'm excited??

Embryo Adoption Awareness Day

Apparently, today is the first annual Embryo Adoption Awareness Day! I'm pretty new to the EA scene, so I only know because of Sara's blog.  Please pray for Sara - she did her third frozen embryo transfer on the 19th and is in the "two week wait" to find out if she's pregnant. She has a great blog with tons of info and experiences to share. 

It seems that in the last few weeks I've been hearing more and more about EA on the news and in the media.  It could be a case of the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon (the phenomenon where one happens upon some obscure piece of information--often an unfamiliar word or name--and soon afterwards encounters the same subject again, often repeatedly.) But I'm praying that it's because EA is truly becoming a more recognized and common adoption method.

Currently, if you don't happen to live near a specific EA agency like we do with Snowflakes being in Anaheim, just 45 minutes away, it's hard to get traditional adoption agencies to do your home study. It's also hard to get grants or financial help from agencies that usually give funds to families trying to adopt. And as far as I know, you don't qualify for the Adoption Tax Credit (but I could be wrong on that one, tax laws are a moving target).

 I think it's great that we can raise awareness to this new, but very real adoption method.  We know that these frozen embryos (an estimated 600,000 in the United States) are real babies with real souls that don't have a chance at life unless someone adopts them. Even if, at the end of all of this, Donny and I don't end up with any pregnancies, we can still rest in the knowledge that we gave these tiny embryos a chance. We'll be giving them their only chance at life in the best way that we can. Any embryos that have been lost by other couples, or that we may lose as we progress into transfers, will be faces we'll one day see in Heaven and I praise God for giving us this opportunity to be a part of his plan for them. 

The Process

Snowflakes Embryo Adoptions follow the best practice adoption methods. Although this isn’t required by the government, they feel (and we agree) that it’s beneficial for adoptive parents to go through all of the same adoption training and education.  Which means for the last 2 months or so, we’ve been in the THICK of adoption paperwork! Anyone who has ever adopted before knows how much paperwork is involved.

We filled out a basic preliminary application and paid the first round of fees. Once that was received, we we’re accepted into the Snowflake Family Evaluation (SFE) process. Although we’re not doing a traditional “home study” our SFE has many of the same components.  We had to do a FBI fingerprint background check, driving records check, physical exams, request multiple references, send copies of our marriage license & birth certificates and much, much, much more.  Luckily (and those of you who know me in real life can probably attest to this) I kind of have a thing for paperwork. I get a little bit excited about having a list of items to check off and boxes to fill out. I mean, I am an administrative assistant after all. 

We had our first meeting with our social worker Megan yesterday afternoon.  I was a little bit nervous, but mostly just excited to keep moving forward. We met her at the Nightlight offices in Anaheim Hills.  She was super sweet and down to earth and as soon as we started talking all my nervousness melted away.  It's super encouraging that she's also a believer and someone who genuinely cares about getting embryos adopted! The time flew by and our 90 minute meeting was over.

We were able to schedule our other two meetings/interviews and Megan said that we should have a completed home study by this time next month! We'll meet again at their offices for the "individual" meetings on Saturday the 22nd, and then do our home visit on Sunday, the 23rd. 

The home visit has kind of been weighing on me ever since we started the adoption process so I'm happy to finally have an actual deadline. Megan reassured us that she's not going to be looking in closets or under the bed - rather it's just confirming that there are no obvious safety hazards in the home - but still, a home visit just sounds intimidating.  But now I officially have 13 days to do a deep cleaning, paint the kitchen sink, pull out all the weeds in the mostly dead front planter and train the cats to do a welcome song and dance when she arrives. (ok, maybe not all of those things).

Currently we are ALMOST done with the paperwork side of our SFE. We’re still waiting on Donny’s blood test results, we need to watch 3 adoption webinars and write mini-reports, and we have a little more reading to finish - but we are SO CLOSE!

Our Infertility Story

Below is one of the pieces we had to write for our preliminary application. (Warning - some talk about "menstration")

Our infertility story may be a little different than most. When I (Gabby) was younger, I had a very irregular cycle and in 6^th grade I menstruated for 5 weeks straight.  I was put on birth control to regulate my cycle and didn’t have any issues for several years.  In 2006, when I was a junior in High School, I decided to stop taking birth control since I was now regulated and was tired of taking the medication.  From that point on, I didn't get another period.  I went to an OBGYN after a year without a period and was diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure.  Because I had been on birth control for almost 5 years they had no way of even knowing when it would have happened.

As a senior in high school – that news was hard to fully grasp.  I remember being sad that I wouldn’t be able to have children, but my family was so loving and supportive, that adoption just automatically became a part of my future.

I actually feel very blessed to have learned so early on.  It has given me a lot of time to process and come to terms with my situation. We didn’t have to go through the disappointment of trying to get pregnant without results.  Early on in our relationship, I told Donny about my condition, so he too, has known for a long time.  I think he struggled with the news more than I did since he was much older when he learned, but has always made it clear that he would rather be with me and not have any children than be with someone else.

We were married in 2010 and by 2013 were starting to think about growing our family.  We went back to my OB who re-did blood work to make sure nothing had changed with my condition.  He confirmed that there was “absolutely no way I’d get pregnant” (his words, not mine) and in some ways, it was reassuring to know that God was closing that door very clearly. We were content with the situation, and knew that it was time to pursue adoption.  We were researching infant domestic adoption when my sister-in-law told me about a friend who was able to successfully have a baby through the Snowflake program.  I looked into it, and watched a video about a Snowflake family where the woman also had Premature Ovarian Failure.  It was amazing to find out that there was a possibility adoption and pregnancy could be part of my story.

In some ways, it’s almost been weirder for me to grasp the concept of me being pregnant than it is it grasp the concept of adoption. I’ve had to readjust a lot of thinking from the past 7 years – but in a very good way! We’re very excited about pursuing  Embryo Adoption and finding out if this is God’s plan for growing our family!