Insanity, Jonah, and the Will of God (Waiting for My Time to Come)

Hi Everyone,

Well, we haven’t updated the blog in quite awhile because…well…there haven’t been any updates for the blog.  After our first Frozen (Adopted) Embryo Transfer didn’t work, and our three little ‘embies’ went to heaven, the Lord made it clear that we were to take some time off and re-group.  Our Doctor had a successful heart surgery, we were able to visit Walt Disney World (by the Lord’s provision!), and another super busy summer came and went.  So now, here we are, just beginning to prepare for our second attempt at an F(A)ET.  Here are a few things on our hearts:

Have you ever heard that definition of Insanity that goes something like: “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results”? 

(Sometimes attributed to Albert Einstein.  But then again, “The problem with internet quotes is that you can’t always depend on their accuracy.” – Abraham Lincoln) 

Anyways, Gabby and I are feeling a little like that.  Not like Abraham Lincoln, mind you, but that we’re about to do the same long, tiresome, expensive, emotionally draining process in hopes of different results.  Now, I use the word ‘hope’ a little differently this time around.  For our first transfer, we had lots of good innocent hope.  I mean, we had never had a failed F(A)ET in our lives, so why shouldn’t we be hopeful that it would work?  We had so many people praying for us from all over!  God answers prayer, right?  Well, our transfer did not result in a viable pregnancy (although at least for some period of time, there were 2 living embryos in Gabby's womb).  Therefore, this time around, frankly it's harder to be hopeful that we’re going to get pregnant.  I mean, we’re pretty much doing the same exact thing (although we’re adding one additional hormone called Lupron. It's a shot that Gabby gives herself in the stomach every night for a couple weeks), so it’s hard to think we’ll get a different result.  But here’s the thing, friends.  More and more, God is focusing us on the point of this whole endeavor:

...and the point isn't necessarily to get pregnant.   

What?!  I know, I know.  Track with me.  The point of this whole endeavor is this: to glorify God.  All things are from Him, through Him, and to Him (Rom 11:36), so EVERYTHING should be about His glory.  So while it’s a little harder to be hopeful about actually getting pregnant this time around, (which is still something we’re praying for and asking you to pray for) we’re 100% hopeful (sure) that this is all for God’s glory.  No matter what happens.  He’s already been glorified so much in everything that we've experienced. We've even entertained the thought that us not getting pregnant might end up bringing Him the most glory, and we're preparing our hearts to be content with that. At the very least, we know that was the case for the first attempt!

With that being said, we are still trying to be hopeful this time around.  I mean, we don’t want to approach this next attempt as if Eeyore got married to a nice girl donkey, we’ll call her MarEeyore, and then they experienced infertility, only to learn about Embryo Adoption and get matched with a nice set of donkey embryos, and had an attempt that did not result in pregnancy, only to try again, but Eeyore had the mindset, “Well, it’s probably not going to work anyway.”  By no means!  We do want to approach this 2^nd try with hope! (Gabby wanted to include this picture of her and Eeyore from Walt Disney World at this part in the story)

Ok, I promise this next thing relates: a few days ago, I learned it was the 10^th anniversary of one of my favorite records, “Vhiessu,” by one of my favorite bands, Thrice.  One of the songs on that record is called “Hold Fast Hope,” and it’s about Jonah.  This record and song came back to my mind right around the time we were starting everything for this 2^nd attempt.  And I got to thinking, you know who literally was in the ‘depths’ of despair?  Jonah!  After his disobedience to God, he found himself in a “great storm on the sea so that the ship was about to break up.”   Then, when God ordains that the lot was cast to Jonah (he still hadn't confessed at this point), He finally “mans ups" a bit and tells them to cast him into the sea.  Instead of dying, as you'd expect during a “great storm,” God appoints a “great fish” to swallow Jonah, and Jonah is stuck in the stomach of this fish three days and three nights.  Ok, I don’t know about you, but if all of this were happening to me, I would expect to die.  Think about it: huge storm, ship about to go down: I’m going to drown.  They’re throwing me overboard into the sea and I JUST GOT SWALLOWED BY A SEA CREATURE.. YEAH, I’M GOING TO BE EATEN.  And yet, at some point in all of this, Jonah truly “mans up” and prays these words:

 I called out of my distress to the LORD, And He answered me.  I cried for help from the depth of Sheol; You heard my voice.  For You had cast me into the deep, into the heart of the seas, and the current engulfed me.  All Your breakers and billows passed over me.  So I said, ‘I have been expelled from Your sight.  Nevertheless I will look again toward Your holy temple.’  Water encompassed me to the point of death.  The great deep engulfed me, weeds were wrapped around my head.  I descended to the roots of the mountains.  The earth with its bars was around me forever, but You have brought up my life from the pit, O LORD my God.  While I was fainting away, I remembered the LORD, and my prayer came to You, into Your holy temple.  Those who regard vain idols forsake their faithfulness, but I will sacrifice to You with the voice of thanksgiving.  That which I have vowed I will pay.  Salvation is from the LORD.

Wow.  Now, if you’ve read your Bibles, you know that Jonah would continue to have to learn tough lessons.  But at this point, Jonah recognized.  Jonah held fast to hope.  Maybe he didn’t necessarily hold fast to the hope of living through all of this, but he held fast to the hope of God’s sovereignty and glory.  And that’s what we want to do. 

Finally, here’s another reminder.  Gabby and I don’t know the will of God in all of this, and neither do you, our friends and family.  So we invite you to pray and to hope with us that we’d get pregnant!  AND, even though some people are trying to ‘think positive’ and ‘trust’ and ‘be kind’, sometimes it feels a little weird when we hear people say, “Oh, I just KNOW you’re going to get pregnant.”  Cause really, unless you’ve had some divine revelation from the Lord, you don’t know.  We don’t know, either.  That’s ok.  We DO know that God is glorified in all of this, so we invite you to start sending those prayers to the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob! 

If you’ve read this far, or skipped down below, our current timeline has us doing the actual transfer on or around November 19 or 20.  We really do covet your prayers for this, both that we’d get pregnant, but more importantly that God would be glorified. 

I’ll wrap up this post with another song lyric from one of our most favorite bands as of late, Colony House.  (featuring the sons of the ever-popular Steven Curtis Chapman: Caleb and Will Franklin Chapman) 

“I’ve tried.  I’ve failed. I thought I gave my all, now it’s hard to tell.

Is this the end of this dream I lost, or just an introduction to how much it may cost?

Oh, it seems so complicated, It feels like hope has faded.

When I know it’s just a way that we grow, I cannot control.

I’m still waiting for my time to come.”         

 
 - “Waiting for My Time to Come” by Colony House

Why I Don’t Need or Deserve Children

By Donny Hoover

So I finally got around to making my contribution to this blog.  I wanted to write a little bit about my perspective on this journey.  Gabby has covered all the logistics and such, so you won’t find any of that in this entry, but maybe there are other men out there who are walking through this unique situation. 

Gabby and I first dated in 2007, and after we hadn’t been dating long enough, my sister-in-law asked Gabby some type of question along the lines of, “do you want kids?”  (I’m not sure if we were even ‘officially’ dating at the time, and yet Gabby was essentially being asked if she wanted to carry my children).  Gabby answered that question with courageous honesty, telling about her POF (see previous posts for explanation).  I think that may have been the first time I learned that Gabby would be unable to carry biological children. 

We refer to those few months of dating as ‘the first time’.  I eventually broke things off for an array of reasons, mainly because I did not see myself being the right guy for her at the time.  But one of my other reasons (read: justifications) was because I had really looked forward to one day having a son or daughter that looked like me. 

Fast-forward ahead 2 years (what we call ‘the dark ages’), and God had flipped me head over heels for Gabby Acosta.  I was finally ready to be a man and live out a more biblical version of love, mainly the whole self-less part.  I couldn’t tell you when it happened, but when we got to 2009, the whole non-biological children thing was a complete non-issue to me.  I don’t think I could have given you reasons why back then, but since then, I have come around to understanding just a few of the many, many blessings in God having us seek adoption as our way to grow our family.  Here are two.

1.  God adopted us.  (Romans 8:15, 23; Galatians 4:5; Ephesians 1:5) It seems as though adoptive parents have an advantage in understanding what it means that God adopted us.  We don’t have any birthright to be born into God’s family/kingdom.  In fact, every single person is born out of God’s family (in a sinful state).  Yet through love and the sacrifice of His only ‘biological’ Son, He has chosen those who have called upon the name of the Lord to be saved!  He chose believers to join His family and be heirs of grace alongside His Son, Jesus.

2.  Bonus Lessons in Trusting God.  Now, we don’t have anything to compare it to, and I certainly don’t want to diminish anyone else’s journeys in having a biological pregnancy and birth, but I think we’ve been getting extra opportunities to totally trust God.  It’s been pretty amazing to go from, “Ok, Gabby’s never going to be pregnant, I suppose we’ll look into adoption,” to “Ok, traditional adoption is uberly expensive, I don’t think we’ll ever have the money for that,” to “Wait, embryo adoption would work?” to “Wait, we could possibly afford embryo adoption?” to “we hope a couple matches with us and lets us adopt their embryos!” to “God, please let this transfer result in a pregnancy!” to “God, please provide the funds necessary!”

If you are a husband, and you and your wife have an infertility story: 1) Don’t be ashamed.  Way more couples have the same story than you’d think.  2) Look at it as God clearly directing you to some other route for starting a family (that is, if you both want kids.  PS, if you want kids, you want kids.  No saying, “I would want kids, but only biological.”  Imagine if God had said that!)  3) You can figure out a way to make it work financially.  I don’t know anyone who didn’t take out a loan for college and/or grad school, but sometimes finances can scare people away from starting a family?  Hmmm…

Where was I?  Oh yes, a little more about my personal journey with Embryo Adoption.  Well, I was excited about getting things started, but I’m the type of person that never lets my hopes get up if there’s even a chance of things not working out.  So I’ve been trying to be a realist through this whole process (which, in turn, let me to be a bit more of a pessimist interestingly enough).  BUT, one of my breakthroughs came when we first found out about our possible match, and everything was starting to get more real.  Checks were being written (eeesh!), Doctor’s appointments were being scheduled, and things were moving!  So why did I feel a little bit bummed?  These were exciting times, yet in my selfish, sinful nature, I hadn’t really acknowledged this whole time that I wouldn’t be physically contributing to our having children.  Obviously, I was super excited at the possibility of Gabby being pregnant, especially in light of the fact that we had prepared our hearts that she wouldn’t be.  Yet, I guess I needed to ‘mourn the loss’ of my physical contribution of my wife getting pregnant.  I’m sure this looks different with traditional adoption, since neither the adoptive parents are physically responsible for the birth of the child.  But either way, I at least had to acknowledge that to move forward.  Any other Embryo Adoption dads ever walk through that?

Finally, let me address the title of this post.  Yes, yes, it’s just the ol’ method we all see on Facebook and such, the alarming title just to get you to click on the article.  Haha, turns out you had to wait to the very end to see why I don’t need or deserve children.  Here’s the answer:  I don’t need kids because of God.  That is, He is the only being capable of bringing real satisfaction in life.  Psalm 62 says, “For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation.  He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.”  God forbid, but if He were to take away my job, my home, my wife, my friends, everything, He has promised that we only find true and full contentment in Him.  If I had nothing, and I died, I would be in heaven with God because of what Jesus did on the cross.  So, do I want children?  Yes!  We’d love them!  But I don’t ‘need’ them.  I need God.  Secondly, I don’t deserve children because they are not a right.  Psalm 127 talks about how children are a reward, a blessing, a heritage from the Lord!  I’m a sinner, and I don’t deserve any of the blessings God has given me: life, salvation, my wife, family, job, home, etc.  So I definitely don’t deserve children.  But do we want them?  Yes!!

The End

Donny Hoover