Surrendering Control

I was just thinking today about how little control we have through this entire adoption process.  I guess we never actually know what’s going to happen in the future and don't actually have control over our lives.  But in general, I’m someone who likes to plan ahead and at least think I know what’s going to happen. In fact, both Donny and I are planners. We enjoy talking about what our week looks like, and are good about scheduling events fairly far off in the future.

Several years back, when we weren’t even dating yet, Donny was pretty confident that we were going to be a couple soon, or at least hoping that we would be – so he bought us concert tickets for like, 3 months in the future and then asked me if I wanted to go with him. (I said yes, of course!) I once booked our vacation 14 months in advance. We had another vacation planned that we hadn’t even gone on yet, and I had already booked our vacation for the following summer.

Like I said, we like to plan.

Of course, God, like He is so prone to do, is always correcting, guiding and teaching us how to trust Him more.  So for once in my life, I can’t even pretend that I know what the future holds.  I would LOVE to be pregnant by early next year – but I have absolutely no idea if that’s even remotely a reality.  I have no idea how my body is going to react to the hormone treatments so I’m nervous about planning important events—but I don’t even know when I’m going to start hormone treatments! And then, if I do get pregnant, what type of pregnancy will I have? Will I be sick all the time? What if it’s twins? Will it be considered a “high risk” pregnancy? What if none of that happens at all? What if we still haven’t matched with a family by the Spring?

I’ve been hesitant to accept commitments for early next year, but is that being overly optimistic? I’m coordinating a friend’s wedding in the beginning of January but what if I’ve just started hormones and have a raging migraine? (one symptom I’ve read about online). I’m throwing a bridal shower for my soon-to-be sister-in-law in mid January – what if I’m an emotional wreck from the hormones? (another symptom I’ve read about online). My brother’s wedding is in Seattle the first weekend in March – what if I just completed a transfer and am in the dreaded “two week wait” and can’t focus on the festivities? I’ve been training hard for LA Marathon the 2^nd weekend in March, but what if my transfer is right before and can’t run after all?

I know there are tangible steps  I can take to help with these questions – one of which involves NOT researching worst-case scenarios on the internet. But it's mostly just being patient and waiting on the Lord.

I can honestly say I’m not fearful about the future, I'm genuinely, just really excited. And I know with certainty that everything will work out for my good and God's glory. I think it's more just not knowing how it's going to all work out. I'm kind of a detail person. But God’s not in the business of always telling us how.  He’s in the business of telling us to trust Him. And so we are.  Or at least, I’m trying really hard.

In the meantime, I did buy a second bridesmaid dress in a larger size, I’ve decided not to register for the marathon just yet, and I have people in place who are more than willing to step in and cover for me if I’m down for whatever reason. 

This is just new territory for me. But hey, hopefully, we'll end up with some kids out of all of this, and according to other self proclaimed "control-freaks" having kids officially ruins all of that anyway. I'm just getting a leg up on the learning :)