Our embryo transfer is scheduled for 8:30 AM on Thursday, November 19.
People keep asking how I feel and it's a hard question to answer. At any given moment, I'm feeling a variety of "feels." And depending on the moment some are stronger than others... I'm mostly excited, and definitely nervous. (Mostly nervous about peeing on Dr. Nelson during the procedure! They want my bladder super full and then the nurse presses down on my stomach to "open things up" or something... it's definitely a precarious situation for him to be in...)
But there's also moments of despair, "I just know this isn't going to work"; and sometimes even indifference, "whatever, who even cares if we have kids or not?"; and sometimes even panic, "I'm not ready to be a parent, I'm still just a kid myself!" But I think those moments tend to come more when I'm failing to trust in God and am relying on my own self-preservation methods instead.
Approaching this second transfer, we've been more purposeful about guarding our hearts. I was SO optimistic last time and it just made so much sense to us that God would allow us to get pregnant on our first try. And I still think it's good to be excited and to ask God for very specific things, and we firmly believe that God is 100% capable of giving us a successful pregnancy. But more specifically, we're praying for contentment whatever our circumstances.
Having walked through all this once before has prepared us to enter this second transfer with a little more caution and perspective. Last time I was so wrapped up in EVERYTHING, it kind of took over my life. I was nervous about what I was eating, how much sleep I was getting, if I should be doing acupuncture, and if I was better off with the raspberry leaf pills or the tea... plus a myriad of other worries. And guess what - it didn't work! And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? (Matt 6:27) If I can't add a single hour to my life by worrying, I'm surely not going to be able to add a living human to my life! But God has been SO gracious in the midst of my shortcomings. Instead of just giving up on me and saying, "well, Gabby's a lost cause," He's continued to gently reveal to me the areas in my heart where I'm failing to fully trust Him, and has given me a second chance to do things better.
I can't thank everyone enough for their prayers and encouraging words. Every time someone tells us that they've been praying, my heart just feels so full. We are so grateful for God's church and the love we've felt. Thank you!
Thinking of you!!
ReplyDelete