Waiting on a Match

Our matching process has OFFICIALLY started! Our social worker was able to submit our home study report a few days earlier than she anticipated so they said they'll be able to send out our family profile today! There's a chance that we'll have our embryos by Christmas!

When we got off the phone with the office, I said to Donny, "it's crazy this is so real!" He didn't fully hear me and asked, "So real? or Surreal?" And I said, "yes!" It's surreal how real this all is. Which I know is kind of an oxy moron...

I've known that adoption would be in my future ever since I was 17. Since that day at the doctor's office, I never knew what my children would look like. I mean, you never actually know what you're children will look like...but at least you know what pieces you're working with. I've had nothing.  So the idea of seeing pictures of people who have given the DNA to make my children is like, SO MUCH MORE than I've ever had before.  It's possible that in the next few weeks... I'll get to see pictures of my children's siblings.  Crazy, right? Or surreal you might say.  But it is HAPPENING and is SO REAL!

Can you tell I'm excited??

Embryo Adoption Awareness Day

Apparently, today is the first annual Embryo Adoption Awareness Day! I'm pretty new to the EA scene, so I only know because of Sara's blog.  Please pray for Sara - she did her third frozen embryo transfer on the 19th and is in the "two week wait" to find out if she's pregnant. She has a great blog with tons of info and experiences to share. 

It seems that in the last few weeks I've been hearing more and more about EA on the news and in the media.  It could be a case of the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon (the phenomenon where one happens upon some obscure piece of information--often an unfamiliar word or name--and soon afterwards encounters the same subject again, often repeatedly.) But I'm praying that it's because EA is truly becoming a more recognized and common adoption method.

Currently, if you don't happen to live near a specific EA agency like we do with Snowflakes being in Anaheim, just 45 minutes away, it's hard to get traditional adoption agencies to do your home study. It's also hard to get grants or financial help from agencies that usually give funds to families trying to adopt. And as far as I know, you don't qualify for the Adoption Tax Credit (but I could be wrong on that one, tax laws are a moving target).

 I think it's great that we can raise awareness to this new, but very real adoption method.  We know that these frozen embryos (an estimated 600,000 in the United States) are real babies with real souls that don't have a chance at life unless someone adopts them. Even if, at the end of all of this, Donny and I don't end up with any pregnancies, we can still rest in the knowledge that we gave these tiny embryos a chance. We'll be giving them their only chance at life in the best way that we can. Any embryos that have been lost by other couples, or that we may lose as we progress into transfers, will be faces we'll one day see in Heaven and I praise God for giving us this opportunity to be a part of his plan for them. 

Home Visit Complete!

Thank you everyone for your prayers and kind words! Our home visit yesterday went really well! Of course she looked at the house for all of 2 minutes - but I'm still glad we worked so hard to do a "deep" cleaning.

We actually had both our individual interviews and our home visit this weekend.  It was a big weekend!

On Saturday we drove out to Anaheim Hills and met our social worker at the Nightlight Office.  She had us fill out some quiz type of things about discipline and expectations of children. We weren't allowed to talk to each other or share our answers. She then met with us separately and went over our answers. Some of the questions were worded intentionally confusing so it made it a little hard to answer some of them.  I was a little worried about my answers regarding spanking and discipline, but I think that when I was given the opportunity to explain myself, it went well. Apparently, in the state of California, parents are allowed to spank with an open hand over clothing, no objects. But overall, I think we both were able to articulate clearly enough and the interviews went well.

Then on Sunday, she came over to our house for the much anticipated Home Visit. We gave her a quick tour and then we spent the rest of the time answering questions about our upbringing, marriage, what we expect of our children and things along those lines.  The time flew by and before I knew it she was wrapping things up and giving us our timeline for the next steps!

She'll have our home study report completed by December 10! We'll immediately enter the matching process at that time and a potential genetic family will get our profile shortly after that! We're basically just in a waiting game at this point. But with the last two months full of paperwork and lists, it's actually a little nice that things are now out of our hands.

I've been so focused on everything adoption related, I've neglected other things that now need attention.  One of which is my craft booth for a Christmas Boutique on December 5! All the proceeds from my sales will go to funding our adoption.  The main item I'm selling are mason jar snow globes that I've affectionately nicknamed, "Snow Globes for Snowflakes!"

But I'm also making paper garlands, chalk board bible verse signs and wooden candle holders.  I'll include little snowflake tags on everything with a link the blog to encourage people to follow along our journey. (Let me know if you'd like more information about the Boutique or if you're interested in purchasing any of the items!)

Surrendering Control

I was just thinking today about how little control we have through this entire adoption process.  I guess we never actually know what’s going to happen in the future and don't actually have control over our lives.  But in general, I’m someone who likes to plan ahead and at least think I know what’s going to happen. In fact, both Donny and I are planners. We enjoy talking about what our week looks like, and are good about scheduling events fairly far off in the future.

Several years back, when we weren’t even dating yet, Donny was pretty confident that we were going to be a couple soon, or at least hoping that we would be – so he bought us concert tickets for like, 3 months in the future and then asked me if I wanted to go with him. (I said yes, of course!) I once booked our vacation 14 months in advance. We had another vacation planned that we hadn’t even gone on yet, and I had already booked our vacation for the following summer.

Like I said, we like to plan.

Of course, God, like He is so prone to do, is always correcting, guiding and teaching us how to trust Him more.  So for once in my life, I can’t even pretend that I know what the future holds.  I would LOVE to be pregnant by early next year – but I have absolutely no idea if that’s even remotely a reality.  I have no idea how my body is going to react to the hormone treatments so I’m nervous about planning important events—but I don’t even know when I’m going to start hormone treatments! And then, if I do get pregnant, what type of pregnancy will I have? Will I be sick all the time? What if it’s twins? Will it be considered a “high risk” pregnancy? What if none of that happens at all? What if we still haven’t matched with a family by the Spring?

I’ve been hesitant to accept commitments for early next year, but is that being overly optimistic? I’m coordinating a friend’s wedding in the beginning of January but what if I’ve just started hormones and have a raging migraine? (one symptom I’ve read about online). I’m throwing a bridal shower for my soon-to-be sister-in-law in mid January – what if I’m an emotional wreck from the hormones? (another symptom I’ve read about online). My brother’s wedding is in Seattle the first weekend in March – what if I just completed a transfer and am in the dreaded “two week wait” and can’t focus on the festivities? I’ve been training hard for LA Marathon the 2^nd weekend in March, but what if my transfer is right before and can’t run after all?

I know there are tangible steps  I can take to help with these questions – one of which involves NOT researching worst-case scenarios on the internet. But it's mostly just being patient and waiting on the Lord.

I can honestly say I’m not fearful about the future, I'm genuinely, just really excited. And I know with certainty that everything will work out for my good and God's glory. I think it's more just not knowing how it's going to all work out. I'm kind of a detail person. But God’s not in the business of always telling us how.  He’s in the business of telling us to trust Him. And so we are.  Or at least, I’m trying really hard.

In the meantime, I did buy a second bridesmaid dress in a larger size, I’ve decided not to register for the marathon just yet, and I have people in place who are more than willing to step in and cover for me if I’m down for whatever reason. 

This is just new territory for me. But hey, hopefully, we'll end up with some kids out of all of this, and according to other self proclaimed "control-freaks" having kids officially ruins all of that anyway. I'm just getting a leg up on the learning :)

Organizing for the Home Visit

This empty wall may not look like much but it actually represents a huge victory. (Sorry for grainy phone photos).  Our spare room is FINALLY organized and ready for baby furniture! Part of the home visit process is proving that your living space actually has room for children.  I love our house, but it is pretty teeny-tiny and we do have quite a bit of stuff.  Donny was a champ and completely re-arranged and re-purposed the space about a week ago - but because it was mostly my stuff in the room, there have been bags and boxes of just odds and ends everywhere that needed homes. We're planning on putting a crib in that empty space and a rocker in the corner where the vacuum is.

We'd like to get another low dresser/changing table type of thing. (We love old, free things..hint, hint). That will go where this white desk currently is.  I'm a little sad because I do like the desk - but it's just too big of a piece of furniture for how un-functional it is. We're actually looking to sell, or trade perhaps, it if anyone is interested.  I paid $50 for it at a yard sale and painted it white and gave it cute knobs.  We'd take $40, OBO.

In my imagination we'd have a room completely dedicated to being a nursery.  Something like this gorgeous gender neutral twin nursery from Carissa Miss

But I have to be realistic.  This is the other side of the room.

\We live in a small two bedroom (that I feel very blessed to have, by the way. I know lot's of people live in much smaller accommodations and figure it out). But we have a lot of stuff that needs a place to live.  So the spare room will be half baby(s) and half office/Gabby's closet/storage/crafts/etc.  The kiddos are actually lucky to get half of the room!

It's full of stuff but at least it's all organized and everything has a home! T-Minus 6 days!

Snowflake Family Profile & Matching Process

Don't you just love this print from Barking Bird Art on Etsy?

One of the questions people often ask us is, “how are you matched with families?” I heard someone mention once that it’s a little bit like online dating :)

When a genetic family has a set of embryos that they would like to place for adoption, they contact Snowflakes and set up a list of requirements for the adoptive family.  Sometimes genetic families might prefer that the adoptive family be a specific ethnicity or age. They may also request a family of a specific religion or education level.

On the adoptive family side of things, we create a “Family Profile.” It’s a PDF document that we wrote which includes pictures and fun information about us. It includes the basic pertinent information that genetic families are looking for (age, ethnicity, religion, education, occupation, etc.)

Genetic families are sent the profiles for adoptive families that meet their requirements.  If a family sees our profile and decides they like us, then we get to see their information.  We get to know health history (3 generations on both sides), the amount of embryos available for adoption, the quality of the embryos, if there have been successful pregnancies from that set of embryos, and the age of the mother when the eggs were extracted.

As the adoptive family, we get to choose if we accept the match.  If we don’t accept, then they’ll continue showing our profile to other families until there’s a mutual agreement.  This process can take between 1 and 4 months – mostly depending on how picky we as the adoptive family are.

Megan said that our home study should be complete by this time next month, so we're hoping to start the matching process in early December!

The Process

Snowflakes Embryo Adoptions follow the best practice adoption methods. Although this isn’t required by the government, they feel (and we agree) that it’s beneficial for adoptive parents to go through all of the same adoption training and education.  Which means for the last 2 months or so, we’ve been in the THICK of adoption paperwork! Anyone who has ever adopted before knows how much paperwork is involved.

We filled out a basic preliminary application and paid the first round of fees. Once that was received, we we’re accepted into the Snowflake Family Evaluation (SFE) process. Although we’re not doing a traditional “home study” our SFE has many of the same components.  We had to do a FBI fingerprint background check, driving records check, physical exams, request multiple references, send copies of our marriage license & birth certificates and much, much, much more.  Luckily (and those of you who know me in real life can probably attest to this) I kind of have a thing for paperwork. I get a little bit excited about having a list of items to check off and boxes to fill out. I mean, I am an administrative assistant after all. 

We had our first meeting with our social worker Megan yesterday afternoon.  I was a little bit nervous, but mostly just excited to keep moving forward. We met her at the Nightlight offices in Anaheim Hills.  She was super sweet and down to earth and as soon as we started talking all my nervousness melted away.  It's super encouraging that she's also a believer and someone who genuinely cares about getting embryos adopted! The time flew by and our 90 minute meeting was over.

We were able to schedule our other two meetings/interviews and Megan said that we should have a completed home study by this time next month! We'll meet again at their offices for the "individual" meetings on Saturday the 22nd, and then do our home visit on Sunday, the 23rd. 

The home visit has kind of been weighing on me ever since we started the adoption process so I'm happy to finally have an actual deadline. Megan reassured us that she's not going to be looking in closets or under the bed - rather it's just confirming that there are no obvious safety hazards in the home - but still, a home visit just sounds intimidating.  But now I officially have 13 days to do a deep cleaning, paint the kitchen sink, pull out all the weeds in the mostly dead front planter and train the cats to do a welcome song and dance when she arrives. (ok, maybe not all of those things).

Currently we are ALMOST done with the paperwork side of our SFE. We’re still waiting on Donny’s blood test results, we need to watch 3 adoption webinars and write mini-reports, and we have a little more reading to finish - but we are SO CLOSE!

Our Infertility Story

Below is one of the pieces we had to write for our preliminary application. (Warning - some talk about "menstration")

Our infertility story may be a little different than most. When I (Gabby) was younger, I had a very irregular cycle and in 6^th grade I menstruated for 5 weeks straight.  I was put on birth control to regulate my cycle and didn’t have any issues for several years.  In 2006, when I was a junior in High School, I decided to stop taking birth control since I was now regulated and was tired of taking the medication.  From that point on, I didn't get another period.  I went to an OBGYN after a year without a period and was diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure.  Because I had been on birth control for almost 5 years they had no way of even knowing when it would have happened.

As a senior in high school – that news was hard to fully grasp.  I remember being sad that I wouldn’t be able to have children, but my family was so loving and supportive, that adoption just automatically became a part of my future.

I actually feel very blessed to have learned so early on.  It has given me a lot of time to process and come to terms with my situation. We didn’t have to go through the disappointment of trying to get pregnant without results.  Early on in our relationship, I told Donny about my condition, so he too, has known for a long time.  I think he struggled with the news more than I did since he was much older when he learned, but has always made it clear that he would rather be with me and not have any children than be with someone else.

We were married in 2010 and by 2013 were starting to think about growing our family.  We went back to my OB who re-did blood work to make sure nothing had changed with my condition.  He confirmed that there was “absolutely no way I’d get pregnant” (his words, not mine) and in some ways, it was reassuring to know that God was closing that door very clearly. We were content with the situation, and knew that it was time to pursue adoption.  We were researching infant domestic adoption when my sister-in-law told me about a friend who was able to successfully have a baby through the Snowflake program.  I looked into it, and watched a video about a Snowflake family where the woman also had Premature Ovarian Failure.  It was amazing to find out that there was a possibility adoption and pregnancy could be part of my story.

In some ways, it’s almost been weirder for me to grasp the concept of me being pregnant than it is it grasp the concept of adoption. I’ve had to readjust a lot of thinking from the past 7 years – but in a very good way! We’re very excited about pursuing  Embryo Adoption and finding out if this is God’s plan for growing our family!

Snowflakes Embryo Adoptions

One afternoon, I (Gabby) was chatting my with sister-in-law Jessica about our adoption plans and she mentioned the Snowflake Embryo Adoption Program.  A friend of hers had been successful and said it wasn’t as expensive as you might think.  At that point, I’d heard a little bit about embryo adoption, but it felt pretty “sci-fi” to me, so I hadn’t given it much thought.  I actually can’t remember now how long it ruminated in my mind before I started doing serious research, but I think it was around maybe the Fall/Spring of 2014…

Just a side note here – I LOVE doing research.  I’m one of those people who sees a cute dog on the street, finds out what breed it is, and then spend hours reading about it’s history, genetics, pre-dispositions to diseases, whether or not it sheds annually or bi-annually and whether it’s a good family dog or not. (Don’t believe me? When you have time, ask me about Australian Shepherds some day – but make sure you have time, because I’ll have a lot to tell you).

So I started researching Embryo Adoption and everything just started to click.  It’s almost half the price of domestic adoption, is a faster process, and me, as the adoptive mother gets to be pregnant and start bonding with my child 9 months earlier!

Please visit both of these websites for more accurate explanations of everything I’m about to say.  I’m in no way an expert – I just do a lot of reading.

Snowflake Embryo Adoptions (our adoption agency which is under the greater umbrella of Nightlight Christian Adoptions)

Embryo Adoption Awareness Center

So here’s the basics… because of a somewhat growing infertility epidemic, in vitro fertilization is on the rise.  When a family is struggling to get pregnant, they often turn to in vitro fertilization and end up creating anywhere between 3 and 15 embryos.  Hopefully, a family will be able to get pregnant using these embryos – but when they are done building their families – there are often embryos left over.

Families have a few different options for these remaining, unused embryos (which are not recognized as human lives by the government - rather “property”). These families can freeze them indefinitely (upwards of $600 a year), donate them to science (for stem cell research), destroy them, or, place them for adoption. Currently, it is estimated that there are around 600,000 frozen embryos in the United States today. Snowflakes Embryo Adoptions does not advocate for the creation of more embryos and they actually say that they would love to put themselves out of business by getting all of those embryos adopted!

Because our infertility stems from a problem with my ovaries, not my uterus, we’re good candidates for embryo adoption.  When we are matched with a set of embryos, they will be shipped (FedEx actually…yeah, totally crazy) to my fertility clinic, thawed and transferred into me.  The transfer is a simple, out-patient procedure, and I can take a pregnancy test two weeks after the transfer to see if the embryo(s) implanted into my uterus!

Because embryo adoption isn’t currently recognized by the government as an actual “adoption” rather a “transfer of property,” the adoption does not need to be finalized, we’re considered the birth parents, and our names will be listed on the birth certificate. In fact, unless we choose to tell the hospital staff, no one would even know that the child(ren) I’m delivering are my adopted child(ren) not my genetic children!

Like I said… pretty sci-fi.

This 3 minute news clip sums it up well since I probably rambled quite a bit...

http://www.embryoadoption.org/videos/vp_Miracle_Baby.cfm

Which Adoption Method to Choose?

When we first started researching adoption we quickly realized that there are dozens of ways to go about it. All we really knew was that we wanted an infant.

[Just for the record, I know that there differing of opinions about what adoptive parents should be looking for, and maybe some of you are thinking right now, “there are plenty of older kids who need to be adopted too, not just babies!” And you are so right! However, people with infertility are not the only one’s who should be caring for orphans. That’s the responsibility of every Bible believing Christian. I’ll dedicate a whole post to this issue in the future, so just bear with me for now.]

Traditionally, there are three adoption methods: state, domestic and international – but within those categories there are variations.  If you adopt through the state of California, you typically “foster to adopt” which means you become certified foster parents first and can be placed with several children before you can actually choose to adopt one. Traditionally, but not necessarily, state adoption is the most affordable adoption choice. Private domestic adoption is when you select an agency and work through them to be “matched” with a birth mother. This can get pretty pricey and can range from $30,000-$50,000. Domestic infant adoption also tends to be a longer process because, if you’re looking for a healthy infant, there’s a long waiting list. When we looked into it, the average is about 3 years from the time you start applying to the time your adoption is finalized.  The third method I mentioned, international adoption, may be the most complicated, and varies in regulations from country to country. Certain countries have pretty strict guidelines about age, how long a couple has been married, how many children are already in the home, and if I’m not mistaken, even the weight of the adoptive parents! International adoption doesn't have to be the most expensive route, but can quickly become so if you plan on traveling to meet your adoptive child at least once, sometimes more. Other ways of adoption are using a lawyer with someone you know who is pregnant and looking to place her child, or even “Juno” style and putting an ad in the PennySaver (though I’d assume that’s a less reliable method).

After researching and praying, we first felt that Domestic Infant Adoption made the most sense with our current situation and life stage.  We went to a preliminary meeting however, and both walked away a little bit unsettled.  There were so many families who were desperate to get a child and it almost felt a little competitive as we looked around the room.  We couldn’t help but think, “am I more appealing to a birth mother or is she?” We also struggled with the concept of a birth mother choosing to place her child for adoption.  We actually got to hear from a few birth mothers who shared their pain and loss and regret for placing their children for adoption. We struggled with the idea of counseling women to do something that is unnatural and against God’s design for families.  Obviously (please hear me in this), obviously there are mothers who are NOT equipped to care for their children, and there are situations that are clearly harmful and dangerous for children to be raised in. I don’t want this to sound like I don’t believe or know that, I genuinely do.  However, for Donny and I, we just felt really uncomfortable praying and wishing that a woman would not want her child and that she wouldn’t be stable enough to keep him/her.  That just didn’t work for us.  We also left that meeting knowing that if we didn't adopt through that agency, we weren’t abandoning children.  There are way more adoptive parents who are able to provide stable loving homes than there are infants who needed it – at least through private domestic.

We took a couple months off of our search to pray and seek wise counsel.  We talked with friends and family and through a casual conversation with my sister-in-law, God brought us to an adoption method we’d never previously considered…

We're Adopting!

We're very excited to announce that we are adopting!

 Donny and I have decided to start this little blog for three reasons. Number one, we want to document and remember our journey toward adoption. As humans, we’re quick to forget details and quick to forget the miraculous works God has done in our lives. Psalm 105:5, “Remember the wondrous works that he has done!” In the years to come, we want to be able to look back at these posts and praise God for his faithfulness all along the way. Number two, we want you, our friends and family, to have a fuller understanding  of our process. We want you to be able to pray for us and come along with us as we bring children in our home. It takes a village!  And finally, number three, we hope that if some of you out there are also considering adoption, maybe we can help answer some of your questions and come alongside you in your journey too!

We’re an open book! There are differing opinions about how much information adoptive parents should share – but we decided early on that we want to be as open and transparent as possible about our process. Our infertility is nothing to be ashamed of, and adoption is something that we should rejoice and glorify God in. Adoption isn’t shameful or something we want to keep a secret from our family and especially our future children.  We want you and them to know that through God’s loving provision we can model God’s adoption of us into his heavenly family.

So come along with us, and please feel free to ask any questions along the way!