Mini Update

Hi there friends,

Not a lot to update, but I know some of you have been asking and I don't want to keep leaving you in the dark :)

We received our adoption contract on January 15 and were asked to mail it back, signed and notarized within two weeks.  We, of course we're super excited and got it done much faster than that.

The genetic family also had a portion to sign and notarize so we were just waiting on them, figuring it would take about two weeks.

Two weeks come and go and we're thinking, OK, not a problem.

Three weeks come and go, we're thinking....hmmm that's weird.  So I emailed our agency.  She said she'd email them that day.

Four weeks come and go... now we're getting worried.  I emailed our agency again and braved the question that had been at the back of my mind... "do you think they're getting cold feet?"

Two more days pass and I don't hear anything.  Now that question is no longer at the back of my mind, it's full blown at the front. I'm starting to process the idea of entering the matching phase again and saying goodbye to the 8 little embryos I had come to love.

Some people we're mad/frustrated/disappointed on behalf of us.  "how could they change their minds??" people would ask. And I really appreciate the care that was shown.

 But I can genuinely say that I understood how the genetic family might be feeling. (Again we didn't know anything for sure, we were just SPECULATING. All we knew for sure was that they hadn't sent their contract in yet - our minds were just going to the worst).

Placing your embryos for an adoption is a REALLY big deal.  When you have walked through infertility for years and finally get healthy embryos - you're thrilled that you finally have the opportunity to have children.  You get pregnant with two healthy children and feel like you're finally at the end of your journey in infertility. You never dreamed of having an "excess" in those dark days of fear and uncertainty.  So maybe, eventually, the idea of placing those extra embryos for adoption sounds like a good idea when you're done building your family - but then actually signing them away for good, forever - that's weighty stuff.  So although I was starting to get disappointed, I can empathize with that potential fear.

But finally, on February 11 we heard back from our agency.  Apparently there was a miscommunication with the genetic family.  They didn't realize that the contract was in the email they'd received in January and had deleted it, waiting for the contract to be sent to them.  They were apologetic and said they'd take care of it ASAP.

Whew! We were so relieved.

And officially, in the afternoon on Friday, February 20th our agency received the genetic family's contract and our 8 little snowflakes are OFFICIALLY in our name.

We are so excited to have completed this step of the process! Our agency is now coordinating with the clinic where our embies are frozen to have them sent to our clinic in Pasadena.  We're also making our FINAL, albeit hefty, payment to the agency!

Once our clinic has received the embryos we can start the meds.  At this point we're looking at a late March transfer. We ask for your continued prayers that the embryos would ship safely, that my body would respond to the meds, that the embryos would thaw safely, and for a successful transfer!

More updates to come as we get more info!

(photo from a super hero dress up night at church.  I realized I've accumulated quite a bit of snowflake apparel and figured it made sense to be "Snowflake Girl")

Why I Don’t Need or Deserve Children

By Donny Hoover

So I finally got around to making my contribution to this blog.  I wanted to write a little bit about my perspective on this journey.  Gabby has covered all the logistics and such, so you won’t find any of that in this entry, but maybe there are other men out there who are walking through this unique situation. 

Gabby and I first dated in 2007, and after we hadn’t been dating long enough, my sister-in-law asked Gabby some type of question along the lines of, “do you want kids?”  (I’m not sure if we were even ‘officially’ dating at the time, and yet Gabby was essentially being asked if she wanted to carry my children).  Gabby answered that question with courageous honesty, telling about her POF (see previous posts for explanation).  I think that may have been the first time I learned that Gabby would be unable to carry biological children. 

We refer to those few months of dating as ‘the first time’.  I eventually broke things off for an array of reasons, mainly because I did not see myself being the right guy for her at the time.  But one of my other reasons (read: justifications) was because I had really looked forward to one day having a son or daughter that looked like me. 

Fast-forward ahead 2 years (what we call ‘the dark ages’), and God had flipped me head over heels for Gabby Acosta.  I was finally ready to be a man and live out a more biblical version of love, mainly the whole self-less part.  I couldn’t tell you when it happened, but when we got to 2009, the whole non-biological children thing was a complete non-issue to me.  I don’t think I could have given you reasons why back then, but since then, I have come around to understanding just a few of the many, many blessings in God having us seek adoption as our way to grow our family.  Here are two.

1.  God adopted us.  (Romans 8:15, 23; Galatians 4:5; Ephesians 1:5) It seems as though adoptive parents have an advantage in understanding what it means that God adopted us.  We don’t have any birthright to be born into God’s family/kingdom.  In fact, every single person is born out of God’s family (in a sinful state).  Yet through love and the sacrifice of His only ‘biological’ Son, He has chosen those who have called upon the name of the Lord to be saved!  He chose believers to join His family and be heirs of grace alongside His Son, Jesus.

2.  Bonus Lessons in Trusting God.  Now, we don’t have anything to compare it to, and I certainly don’t want to diminish anyone else’s journeys in having a biological pregnancy and birth, but I think we’ve been getting extra opportunities to totally trust God.  It’s been pretty amazing to go from, “Ok, Gabby’s never going to be pregnant, I suppose we’ll look into adoption,” to “Ok, traditional adoption is uberly expensive, I don’t think we’ll ever have the money for that,” to “Wait, embryo adoption would work?” to “Wait, we could possibly afford embryo adoption?” to “we hope a couple matches with us and lets us adopt their embryos!” to “God, please let this transfer result in a pregnancy!” to “God, please provide the funds necessary!”

If you are a husband, and you and your wife have an infertility story: 1) Don’t be ashamed.  Way more couples have the same story than you’d think.  2) Look at it as God clearly directing you to some other route for starting a family (that is, if you both want kids.  PS, if you want kids, you want kids.  No saying, “I would want kids, but only biological.”  Imagine if God had said that!)  3) You can figure out a way to make it work financially.  I don’t know anyone who didn’t take out a loan for college and/or grad school, but sometimes finances can scare people away from starting a family?  Hmmm…

Where was I?  Oh yes, a little more about my personal journey with Embryo Adoption.  Well, I was excited about getting things started, but I’m the type of person that never lets my hopes get up if there’s even a chance of things not working out.  So I’ve been trying to be a realist through this whole process (which, in turn, let me to be a bit more of a pessimist interestingly enough).  BUT, one of my breakthroughs came when we first found out about our possible match, and everything was starting to get more real.  Checks were being written (eeesh!), Doctor’s appointments were being scheduled, and things were moving!  So why did I feel a little bit bummed?  These were exciting times, yet in my selfish, sinful nature, I hadn’t really acknowledged this whole time that I wouldn’t be physically contributing to our having children.  Obviously, I was super excited at the possibility of Gabby being pregnant, especially in light of the fact that we had prepared our hearts that she wouldn’t be.  Yet, I guess I needed to ‘mourn the loss’ of my physical contribution of my wife getting pregnant.  I’m sure this looks different with traditional adoption, since neither the adoptive parents are physically responsible for the birth of the child.  But either way, I at least had to acknowledge that to move forward.  Any other Embryo Adoption dads ever walk through that?

Finally, let me address the title of this post.  Yes, yes, it’s just the ol’ method we all see on Facebook and such, the alarming title just to get you to click on the article.  Haha, turns out you had to wait to the very end to see why I don’t need or deserve children.  Here’s the answer:  I don’t need kids because of God.  That is, He is the only being capable of bringing real satisfaction in life.  Psalm 62 says, “For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation.  He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.”  God forbid, but if He were to take away my job, my home, my wife, my friends, everything, He has promised that we only find true and full contentment in Him.  If I had nothing, and I died, I would be in heaven with God because of what Jesus did on the cross.  So, do I want children?  Yes!  We’d love them!  But I don’t ‘need’ them.  I need God.  Secondly, I don’t deserve children because they are not a right.  Psalm 127 talks about how children are a reward, a blessing, a heritage from the Lord!  I’m a sinner, and I don’t deserve any of the blessings God has given me: life, salvation, my wife, family, job, home, etc.  So I definitely don’t deserve children.  But do we want them?  Yes!!

The End

Donny Hoover